Disturbing

Posted on January 31, 2012 by Mike Loh

I ate Batman.

My darling sister who works at a torture chamber is so pathetic that she gets cheered up by such wu liao emails.

Have pity on her – offer her a job.

From: Cuong Truong

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2012 04:11

To: LOH J

Subject: Hello there

Hello,

I would like to social network with you and your company.

I’m currently unemployed, and I’m a CMS website designer & an SEO specialist ; I would like to ask if you or your company have any projects that I can work on? Graphic works?

Besides being a website designer, I occasionally study the stock market.

Recently, I contacted my stock broker and bought shares in

Thrive World Wide, Inc. for less than $1 a share.

stock symbol: TWWI

The reason why I bought “TWWI” shares is because I believe that they have a competitive edge in the market. As of this writing, Groupon and “TWWI” are one of the only two companies that I know of that have their shares traded in the stock market. These are the only two companies that focus all of their efforts in their daily deal sites. Google also offers Google deals but don’t really focus all of their efforts in Google deal site.

I think Google focus more in the search engine. Not to mention, Groupon & Google stock prices are very expensive for me.

I find the stock “TWWI” to be more special then Groupon because they have video ads that show off their advertisers’ deals. This will make the consumers more attracted to buying the deal from “TWWI”

That’s about all my stock market thoughts for those daily deal sites.

Besides glancing over at the stock market, I also play tennis, but not golf because I believe its an elderly’s sport. I’m only 29 years old. (not trying to offend my elders here) In my spare time I also cook, my favorite dish is the terikayi glazed salmon. That’s a piece of salmon marinated in soysauce, terikayi sauce, salt, pepper, and 1 small slice of freshly squeezed lemon juice. Then, placed in the oven to cook it for under 5 minutes.

I did not send you a résumé because most people do not like to receive attachments in their email, this is my job seeking introduction letter (résumé cover letter). Please Let me know if you would like to receive my résumé.

If you own another website, I can also work on it for you.

Sincerely yours,

Cuong Truong

PS. if you do not wish to receive any contact from me in the future please reply to this email with the word “REMOVE” and I will not contact you any more.

 

Posted in The Good, the Bad & the Ugly | Comments Off

Cameras, Cameras, Cameras!

Posted on January 29, 2012 by Mike Loh

Have gone DSLR, but still acquiring new toys:

 

Posted in Toy Story | Comments Off

The Ultimate Pipe Bag

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Mike Loh

Just commissioned Neil Flancbaum of Smokin’ Holsters to make me yet another pipe bag, this time, one looking like this:

Made of vegetable-tanned English bridle leather, like those made by Swaine Adeney Brigg.

I believe this type of leather is the best and the most beautiful, plus I like the traditional British look.

But just after receiving my order, the poor fellow was hospitalized for bypass surgery!

Hope’s he recovering well. Not worried about the bag, just concerned about his health.

Posted in Thank You for Smoking | Comments Off

Be Honest with Citizens Please!

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Mike Loh

Ng.

Lim.

When I was a wee little lad, mum would keep things from me.

For my own sake, she would say.

Some things were hushed up because they involved scandals or news too unsavory for little children to know.

Some things were things little children had no business knowing.

Some things that happened were spoken about by supposedly wise, all-knowing adults in hush tones because children, with yet undeveloped brains might jump to wrong conclusions about things.

Mum and the rest of “the establishment” as I knew it then as a little boy was helluva good in covering up unsavory news involving certain people.

I know mum did it sometimes to avoid us little kids talking about it to other kids in the neighborhood which in the end would cause mum and the rest of the adults major embarrassment.

But we kids had our own network and the harder mum tried to keep things under wraps the harder it was to contain certain news.

Mum’s attempts at covering things up usually resulted in a worse set of circumstances happening.

In the end, it usually took someone like dad to step in and assuage us kids and pacify us kids and undo the mess that mum has created.

But by then, as much as I loved mum, from then on, everything that mum said I had no choice but to take it with a pinch of salt.

Mum passed on nearly 19 years ago, but on the second day of Chinese New Year – I’m NOT going to call it Lunar New Year – something happened that reminded me of mum: two major arrests in Singapore! Wow.

Until a Chinese evening scandal sheet broke the news on the second day of Chinese New Year, the majority of the Singaporean public was completely in the dark about the arrests on December 19 of Central Narcotics Bureau head honcho Ng Boon Gay and that of Singapore Civil Defence Force top dog Peter Lim Sin Pang on January 4.

These were among the highest-level arrests ever involving public servants.

But the public was kept completely in the dark.

Until the exposé by the Chinese papers on January 24, nobody knew anything.

Then the news started – in drips and drabs.

Oh the two scholars, obviously not gentlemen, were arrested for serious personal misconduct.

Oh they are out on bail.

Oh both were “interdicted” from their duties and their deputies have taken over.

Oh it was about women and money.

No it was about graft and a woman from an American IT multinational corporation is involved.

Too bad dad is in his 80’s and is happily retired, spending his time scratching his balls, drinking tea with friends and reading Chinese classics and traveling the world, otherwise those clowns in the Singapore government should engage him to teach them how to implement crisis management and damage control.

I know what dad would say, “Rule Number One: Never treat your citizens like they are idiots. Never practice Mushroom Management.”

Huh? Mushroom Management, what the fuck is that?

“Oh,” dad would say, “it means ‘keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit.’”

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off

Betrayed

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Mike Loh

Nearly 40 years ago I trudged across your vast lands – traversing from your farmers’ luscious fields to moss-covered man-made walls that stretch from as far as the eyes could see, from enormous public squares to well-preserved musty ancient buildings. I remember your masses on bicycles cycling in the cold; their labored breaths seemed like dragon’s smoke intermingling with the dust.

I felt with a heavy heart the pain and trauma that have befallen upon your people. You were then right in the middle of a tumultuous ten-year period of internal turmoil.

I suffered humiliation, ridicule and extreme physical discomfort to bring you good news.

Above all, I cried for you and with you as you reset and rebuild.

Today you have risen far from and high above the ashes.

At all costs, you are determined to be the magnificent Phoenix the world cannot help but notice.

You stride across continents with your heads held high.

Your fingers are in every pie.

Your people buy apartment blocks to launder their ill-gotten fortunes, they buy ten-thousand-dollar Lafites to show off and they make Rolls-Royce a household name.

Food is wasted, resources squandered, “get rich at all costs” is your mantra – to hell with food standards, so what if tainted milk powder kill innocent babies – and cheating, lying as well as corruption are the hallmarks of your world.

Your young women, crafty beyond their years, seduce our men and break up our families.

They stand in line outside Louis Vuitton stores, afraid they aren’t allow to buy more, more and more.

Your men swagger with arrogance and pride while clearing their phlegm and spitting in the wind.

There’s nothing they won’t buy – as long as an object of desire is the most expensive, they want it.

From Daytonas to Franck Mullers they want them all.

Bald men are buying expensive electric shavers, people who know nothing about cigars are stocking up on Behikes just because they are costly and those who know nothing about pipe smoking are buying up the most expensive, highly priced handcrafted Dunhill dead root three-stars and the handiworks of some of the best European carvers, just because they can. Not because they appreciate the work of these master carvers. But because they have money.

Your people take up domicile in my country, buy up Sentosa Cove, enjoy our safe and secure environment as well as other benefits, yet your people ridicule and belittle us.

Your people residing here glare and stare at us “natives” as if we are the ones who are the strangers in our own country.

Despite their peasant ways your people’s ability to throw money around continues to evoke the awe of lesser mortals.

Today my heart bleeds for you.

My heart bleeds because no tears will ever be enough to drown my sorrows at seeing what you have become.

How could you change so much?

I have loved you once, but I can hardly recognize you now.

In the wink of an eye, you’ve become a different monster.

You’ve become a dragon everyone hates.

Over 60 years of living under an ideology that has no place for spiritual values, an ideology that forced you to claw your way out of the rot that engulfed you just to survive, you have become mean-spirited, immoral, unethical and self-serving.

Your philosophy is “the end justifies the means.”

And to think that I’ve cried for you nearly 40 years ago.

In my heart of hearts, I feel betrayed and I feel so stupid.

An ineffectual older person now, no longer in the prime of my life, I am powerless and frail, and I feel defeated. My only comfort is the thought that what goes up must eventually come down.

What rises will one day decline.

One day you’re the cock of the walk, the next a feather duster.

History has never proven that wrong.

Morally corrupted as they were, even Sodom and Gomorrah didn’t last forever.

But in spite of my grief and frustration, I still harbor a tinge of hope for you and your people.

My hope is that by the time the Almighty is done with you, your people won’t be too broken to learn some essential truths.

Indeed, my hope is that that your people will eventually understand the meaning of humility.

One day, may your people live out the true meaning of what it is to be human and to be civilized again.

Then my tears would not have been in vain.

Posted in Places in the Heart | Comments Off

Abalone Baloney

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Mike Loh

Abalones and rabbit fish are among the delicacies eaten during the Chinese new year period.

They are expensive. In fact, the police has warned retailers that “cans of abalone should be kept in locked display shelves, which are only accessible by staff and monitored by CCTV cameras.”

Imagine that!

“Abalone” in Chinese sounds like “guaranteed to have surplus” so the mollusk becomes a “must-eat” food during Chinese new year. I don’t care if “abalone” is homophone for “baloney” but I like eating abalones.

This is how a raw abalone looks like. (See picture below.) Does it remind you of a part of the female anatomy?No wonder my friends and I roar with laughter when we see clueless bimbo celebrities like Fann Wong proudly promoting abalones, holding the shellfish in their smooth, soft, dainty, manicured hands. The ultimate food porn!

Here’s a very naughty mock ad making fun of that douche bag Edison Chen plugging Gillian Chung’s abalone, calling it “Number one abalone.” If you have been following the continuing scandal and understand Chinese, you’ll be able to read a lot more into the suggestive words.

We often hear retailers or restaurateurs speaking of abalones in terms of number of heads. Number of heads refers to the size of the abalone. One head is considered the biggest. “Restaurant standard” is about 200 to 220g per head. Abalones in restaurants range from two to up to 16 heads. The bigger the number, the smaller the abalone. An abalone from a can is about 1.5 head although this year we’ve seen a proliferation of canned “baby” abalones. Another way of looking at it is this:  a four-head abalone means it takes four pieces of similar size abalone to make one Chinese “jin” ‘ (500g) or 125g each so a five-head abalone means it weights 100g.

Confused? Me too, I just remember the bigger the number the smaller the abalone.

My favorite abalones however are the dried ones. It takes a long time to prepare and hours to braise. If your girlfriends cooks them for you, take it from me – this one’s a keeper.

My next best alternative is the canned Calmex abalone from Mexico. To many canned abalone connoisseurs this is the only brand they will eat. It is a brand that has been around since I was a kid.

But because it is so expensive – this year it retails for S$195/- a can – all kinds of other brands have surfaced, but be careful what you’re buying because if someone sells you two cans of abalone for 45 bucks, there’s got to be a catch somewhere – you might be buying tiny abalones that are a bloody waste of time.

I’ll be very careful if you’re buying anything other than Calmex.

Posted in Eat Drink Men Women | Comments Off

Ugly Ang Pow Packet

Posted on January 21, 2012 by Mike Loh

Most “biang” ang pow packet seen so far; from Chaylernger some more ah:

 

Posted in The Good, the Bad & the Ugly | Comments Off

Who Says Life is Fair?

Posted on January 19, 2012 by Mike Loh

Beauty and the Beast?

TV host Quan Yifeng was sentenced last month to 15 months’ supervised probation for committing mischief during her altercation with a taxi driver in June 2010, when she damaged the fare meter and ripped out the receipt printer of his taxi, before spilling water on it.

Two other charges – of kicking the right passenger door of the taxi, and pushing and attempting to kick the 53-year-old cabby – were also been taken into consideration.

She had cited depression in her mitigation.

A lot of us are depressed too, do we go around trashing taxis?

In addition, Quan’s grand-aunt posted a bond of S$3,000/- to ensure she does not commit another offence during her probation period.

This is not the first time the Taiwan-born out-of-control freak was in the limelight for the wrong reasons.

Back in 1996, she was fined S$1,000/- for fighting with a bowling alley assistant.

And in 2008 she allegedly slapped her then-husband in public when he tried to pacify her in a quarrel with another driver over a traffic dispute.

Frankly, I think she got away much too lightly.

In Singapore, any person who commits any act of vandalism is liable on conviction to a fine not exceeding S$2,000/- or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 3 years, and shall also, subject to sections 325(1) and 330(1) of the Criminal Procedure Code 2010, be punished with caning with not less than 3 strokes and not more than 8 strokes. However, vandalism refers to public property and she wasn’t charged for that.

To rub salt into the wound, Quan was made cover girl on 8 Days recently and allowed her chance to tell her side of the story, to re-write history in her favor in the 10-page feature on her.

In the magazine’s January 12 issue, she even had the audacity to say “if someone spits on my face, I must turn the other cheek.”

I wonder who will be on 8 Days’ cover next.

Saw Phaik Hwa?

The lawyer who got her off was Subhas Anandan, whose reputation precedes him.

For an offence of this nature, she engaged Subhas Anandan, a criminal lawyer who is known for defending murderers.

I wonder who she’ll engage if she commits murder.

And I wonder if it was an ordinary person who did what she did, would this person get away with the same light slap on the wrist?

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off

Rosemary Righter Rips into Kim Jong-un

Posted on January 12, 2012 by Mike Loh

Rosemary Righter, I salute you for being an alpha biatch with titanium balls!

There is no love lost between me and those despots in North Korea, so this is not a post defending them.

I’ve been to North Korea (do a search on this blog) and let me tell you, those guys running that place are no idiots. We make fun of them at our own peril.

Therefore I think it is rather unbecoming for a supposedly credible publication like Newsweek (January 9 & 16 issue) to say under its commentary entitled NewsBeast – yes, NewsBeast, tsk, tsk – that the Swiss-educated Kim Jong-un’s “only known talent is eating.”

The piece is by Rosemary Righter.

Come on, Kim Jong-un may look stupid, but Rosemary Righter, you’re not that smart either making fun of people like that. You have no right to. (Pun intended.)

Retards like Righter (NewsBitch?) should not tease and make idiotic remarks, but offer constructive advice that will contribute to the containment of diabolical leaders. If they can’t make themselves useful, they should just shut the fuck up.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off

Jack Drayton

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Mike Loh

1973-2012

Yesterday, with profound sadness, I bade farewell to a dear friend and a fantastic human being, John David Drayton, who left us on new year’s day.

Jack was a member of our pipe and cigar group and was very well-loved by everyone. As a great raconteur, he would entertain us by telling us all kinds of amusing stories that often left us roaring with laughter.

I went to the wake with seven others from our group. There wasn’t a dry eye at the wake.

Jack, I saw you in your casket, a picture of peace and serenity. You had a beautiful pipe in your pocket, and you looked resplendent in your suit, with a red tie from your fraternity. May your soul rest in eternal repose.

I will miss your energy, your engaging presence, your Southern drawl, your cowboy boots, your sense of humor, your smiles and laughter, and your funny stories.

Indeed, you will forever be missed but I know at the right time, I will meet you again – in heaven.

And when we meet I’ll be crying again. This time, it won’t be tears of sorrow; instead my eyes will be tearing from laughter caused by the funny stories I know you’ll once more be telling me!

NOTE: To offer words of comfort to Jack’s family, please click here.

Posted in The Departed | Comments Off