As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, according to Willard F Harley, the top five of men’s needs are:
- The first thing he can’t do without – sexual fulfillment
- He needs her to be his playmate – recreational companionship
- He needs a good-looking wife – an attractive spouse
- He needs peace and quiet – domestic support
- He needs her to be proud of him – admiration
As for women’s needs, they are:
- The first thing she can’t do without – affection
- She needs him to talk to her – conversation
- She needs to trust him totally – honesty
- She needs enough money to live comfortably – financial support
- She needs him to be a good father – family commitment
So you see, it’s all out there.
Should be easy to figure out right?
Yin and I have been married for nearly 25 years and often our sweetest time spent in each other’s presence is when we are both sitting together and NOT talking; I could be smoking my pipe and she could be reading the papers but we are quiet, the stillness broken only by me relighting my pipe or the sound caused by the rustling of her papers.
Don’t get me wrong – we DO talk and boy do we talk; we have animated and sometimes loud conversations peppered with lots of laughter and teasing – and of course there are times when we have very heated arguments – but our sweetest moments are the silent ones. Ask our lovely kids.
You see, we are able to sense and intuit each other’s feelings, concerns and needs. They are times when sitting together at Starbucks on Sunday mornings, when we see something happening in front of us, a question comes to my mind, and before I know it, Yuyin answers.
You may think we have a special telepathic connection but no, we don’t – I guess we’re just being sensitive to each other’s vibes, that’s all.
The thing is, it doesn’t require 25 years of marriage to achieve this.
Authors like Willard F Harley have already told us what our basic needs are – all you need to do is to be sensitive, switching on your “antenna” or “radar” to “detect” the “vibrations.”
Of course this is beyond some people.
A lot of times when someone says something, something else is meant. If a woman says “I think the refrigerator is acting up” she does not necessarily want the man to immediately assume a savior complex and jump up to grab the tool box and fix the fridge like a hero.
Same with men, when a man says “I’m feeling realy shitty, I really ought to stay home instead of being out here with you” you should not respond with a knee-jerk reaction and say “Yeah, why don’t you go home then?”
It’s not that people can’t be direct or honest and frank – it’s the way human beings are wired. Often what they verbalize or don’t verbalize is a manifestation of their inner psyche.
A guy may say “Go ahead and watch that movie with someone else” but the fact of the matter is that he may not really mean exactly that, he could actually mean “Do what you want, you always do what you want anyway, and then you tell me – after the fact – I’m not always part of your plan, in fact I feel so disconnected from you” because he feels neglected. And three months later when he says “What, you actually went ahead and watch that movie with Robert of all people?” you should not respond with “But you told me to go ahead and watch it with someone else!” If you do, you’ve failed in Communications 101.
Success in relationships is yours if you are truly able to sense and intuit how others are feeling.
It’s not that difficult. Putting the other person first is the first step. Not being defensive and always wanting the last word or having a strong need to rationalize or explain away your behavior, not always looking for a retort or coming back with a riposte are the other steps.
If you meet people like those I’ve just described in the last paragraph – those who are defensive, wanting the last word etc – be extra cautious and vigilant. In conversing, you need to be very alert to really catch what these “tongue-fu” practitioners say – their words are carefully picked to convey specific messages and to protect themselves. Try never to be involved with such conniving people. You may think you are among friends and so you let your guard down but these tricksters are as cunning as ever and can trap you.
Well, not everyone’s good at sensing and intuiting, that’s why for a couple to stay happily married for 25 years is really quite remarkable in this day and age when the “Me” generation is solely focused on “I, Me and Myself” so to hell with everyone else.