Do Not Steal the Bathrobe!

Bates

Bates Motel.

In the last hotel I stayed in a tag was attached to the bathrobe.

It said “Bathrobes are provided for your use during your stay. Should you wish to purchase one, please contact Service Center at ext 0.”

It’s a bit insulting. The hotel is implying that I may actually steal the bathrobe.

However I understand why hotels have to do that, can you imagine if every guest decides to bring a bathrobe home?

Although hotels take into consideration pilferages I am not sure how effective those tags are as deterrents.

I suppose it also depends on what the hotel’s target market is – some guests do need to be reminded otherwise they’ll cart away even the toilet bowl.

I am always psychologically disturbed by a friend’s almost obsessive drive to take away as many things as she possibly can from a hotel room – from little bottles of shampoo, to tea bags, to shower caps, to envelopes, to the “Do Not Disturb” sign, to bathroom slippers, to bottles of mineral water, to the fruits given to God knows what else – practically emptied the darn room.

If I run a hotel for first-time travelers out of the boondocks these will be the signs or tags in my hotel:

Tag attached to bathrobe: This is a robe you wear after your shower; it is not a swimsuit. If you attempt to bring it home, an alarm will sound as you leave the hotel. You will then be made to pay for the bathrobe.

Tag attached to the bedroom slippers: TGIF – this means Toes Go In First. Remember also that these are bedroom slippers NOT bathroom slippers so do not wear them in the shower or when you are in the bathtub. Bedroom slippers will cause you to slip and die if you use them at home (that’s why they are called slippers) and unless your home is carpeted (which is probably not the case, otherwise you would be staying at Aman Wana and not in this dump) they are not safe to wear in your home. Net net: Do not steal them.

Sign attached to the bidet: This is for washing your nether regions. It is NOT a toilet bowl and you should not use it as a toilet bowl. If you have started, stop immediately and contact housekeeping. Housekeeping will sell you a mop and a rag as well as a bottle of bleach for you to do the necessary. Do not apply the bleach to any of your body parts. Do not gargle with the bleach. If you are not willing to clean the soiled bidet, drink the bleach. The entire bottle please. Bottoms up!

Sign at dressing table: Pets are not allowed in your room. If you really need one, we will lend you a goldfish. Do not make sashimi out of it please.

Tag attached to the TV remote control: This remote control only works with the TV in this room; if you wish to bring it home, we will be quite happy to sell it to you as well as the TV in the room.

Printed on the “Do Not Disturb” sign: This sign is to signal that you wish privacy but in case it has been hanging at your door knob for more than 48 hours we will attempt to enter your room. We’ve had a bad experience with David Carradaine before. Hope you understand.

Tag attached to the phone: If you bring this phone home, dialing ext 2 will not get you room service. It will not get you anything. This phone works only with the hotel phone system. Keep your paws off it unless you really have to use it.

Sign on the mini-fridge: Everything consumed here will be charged at six times the price of what you would pay at the local supermarket next door. But if you wish to be a sucker and you’re naïve enough to drink Evian (“Evian” is “naïve” spelt backwards) we’re not complaining. If you are from China or Russia, it’s probably not your money anyway. Note: If you are from Singapore, kindly do not consume the beer or the Evian and then refill the empty bottles with your urine or tap water.

Sign at bedside table: We recognize that sex is the reason why many of our guests check in but for the sake of your neighbor kindly exercise moan control. Not everyone is as lucky as you are; your neighbor could be a very lonely traveling businessman away from his family and his only sex life on the road is probably wanking off while watching Fashion TV. So don’t rub it in. (Note that our walls are pretty thin too. Our hotel was built by the contractor who submitted the lowest bid.)

Another sign at bedside table: For wake up calls, use your alarm clock. At this “Loh” rate, surely you don’t expect us to hire operators to give you wake-up calls? If you do not have an alarm clock, do what the New Zealanders do: sleep on your stomach, light a candle and insert it in your asshole, by the time it burns you, it will be about morning.

Sign at the inside of the main door: If there is a fire, escape routes are of no use.  The best thing to do is to use a chair to break the window and jump out. If Civil Defense has erected a safety net down below, you will be safe. If not, thank you for staying at Loh’s Motel. Some people check in, some people check out. Some people check in, but can never check out.

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