“Bladder, get me some chocolates,” the Chinaman reminded me yet again, “we have them here but those in your country are made in the UK, get me some.”

He calls me “bladder” because he can’t pronounce “brother.”

After I’ve arrived, he said he’ll pick me up for dinner.

“It’s very inconvenient for me to come to your hotel, can you cross the road?”

Me: “Cross the road? What road? There’s no road.”

He: “In front of the hotel, there’s a highway, you cross that – I’ll be at the other side. More convenient for me. And don’t forget the chocolates. I hope you’ve brought enough for my entire family.”

So I risk life and limb and dash across the highway.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

He picks me up with one of his mistresses in tow. He orders one plate of Hokkien mee (portion for one person) “We’re not hungry,” he says.

The three of us eat that for dinner at a rickety roadside stall. One miserable plate of Hokkien mee, accompanied by free tea.

Thank God Almighty there’s free tea. Hallelujah, hallelujah!

My chocolates: 100 bucks Singapore.

His Hokkien mee: Malaysian ringgit five bucks.

Confirmation that he’s a Cheap Charlie/El Cheapo: priceless.

Sometimes he will come to visit me at my hotel.

We’ll have dinner.

And always, without fail, just before the bill comes, he’ll make his way to the toilet. His timing is perfect, this much credit I have to give him.

And because I look like a Chinese towkay bloated with cash, the waiter hands me the bill and I pay.

Imagine I am a guest in his country and I am his guest at dinner and I pay.

What a kick to the groin that is.

Those who know me know that I’m not a calculative person. I’m sharing this cos I’m kinda amused and amazed by the behavior of some so-called friends.

And – one more thing, before he leaves my hotel, he will never fail to get me to take his parking ticket to the hotel reception to get it stamped – so he gets free parking “Tell them it’s your car,” he says, “hotel guests with cars get free parking.”

That’s not always true.

You park at the hotel you pay.

So I end up paying. Me – not him.

I’ve been called “Quick Draw McGraw” – I’m extremely quick with my wallet. From whom much has been given, much is expected.

So I end up paying.


And yet he has the gall to ask “How come nowadays when you come to KL, you don’t contact me at all?”

Fucking clueless dickhead.

Dear God Almighty, I your humble servant thank you for putting such retards in my life, to teach me patience.

Hallelujah, hallelujah!

Praise be to God.

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