How Scrooges Stay Wealthy

Ebenezer Scrooge

Ebenezer Scrooge

INCIDENT ONE
Millionaire: Let’s meet for a chat.

Me: Sure, Dome at Scotts Square?

Millionaire: No, Dome at CMPB.

Me: Oh, you prefer that?

Millionaire (who drives a Porsche): Yes, free parking.

INCIDENT TWO
Billionaire: Have you made your first billion yet?

Me: You got to be kidding, but I’m willing to learn, are you willing to share with me the secrets of your success?

Billionaire: Sure, but first, let me turn off the room lights. We don’t need the lights do we? It’s perfectly fine to converse in the dark.

Me: It’s ok, forget I ask. You don’t have to tell me the secrets of your success anymore.

ALTERNATIVE (SARCASTIC) ENDING

Me: After you’ve turned off the lights, let me also take off my clothes, if you don’t mind. Wearing them creases them and taking them off means I can wear them several more times, thus delaying a trip to the dry cleaners. I’m sure that’ll resonate with you, right?

INCIDENT THREE
Multi-millionaire: Do you like to eat fish?

Me: Sure, I love fish. It’s healthy and it’s brain food.

Multi-millionaire (who owns a fish farm, among numerous other businesses): Do you like barramundi?

Me: Sure, I love barramundi! It tastes so nice, it’s often called “The Asian Sea Bass” right?

Multi-millionaire: Great, I’ll send you a link to my fish farm’s website. You can buy online.

Me (I thought that joker was going to send me free fish): Oh don’t bother. I’m suddenly reminded of barracudas. I’ve just lost my appetite for fish.

INCIDENT FOUR
Poser: Free for lunch?

Me: Sure. Thanks, but not today, have a prior appointment already unfortunately. Tomorrow?

Poser: Tomorrow cannot, my free restaurant voucher expires today.

INCIDENT FIVE
Con artist (after inviting me to a big, expensive dinner): Oh shit, I forgot my wallet.

Me: It’s ok, I’ll pay for our dinner. (No choice but to pay due to the bohpiancy of the situation. Kerna screwed!)

INCIDENT SIX
Show-off: How are things?

Me (mind-fucking him): Kinda broke. Can lend me a little to tie me over?

Show-off: I don’t believe in lending money. I rather give.

Me: Oh, that’s very kind of you. Boy, do I need a lifeline.

Show-off: But right now, I don’t feel led to give.

INCIDENT SEVEN
El Cheapo (at Starbucks): I’d like to have a tall coffee of the day please.

Barista: Sure, sir, one tall coffee of the day coming up.

El Cheapo: But please serve it in a venti-size cup and top it with hot water and milk.
(This way, he gets a latte, albeit a very watered-down version .)

Ebenezer Scrooge is alive and well. Fuck my life.

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