Don’t Let the Wrong One In

For my first date with my wife, more than three decades ago, I took her to a fancy restaurant. Prior to our second date, she told me she would be quite happy eating at food courts. At that moment, I knew she was the girl I wanted to marry.

For people of my generation, there was no escape route; you get married, and if things go south, you work it out. Divorces were so rare they were reported in the newspapers.

I am therefore alarmed to hear many young people nowadays saying “Nehmind lah, if doesn’t work, can always divorce and marry again mah.” To me, that’s a fucked-up mindset to maintain. I even know of one retard who divorced and re-married the same women twice. Poor bastard clearly needs help.

I am no expert, but after having been happily married for something like 35 years to the same wonderful woman, who continues to accept me and my increasingly cantankerous moods and shitloads of caustic, scathing and risqué remarks emanating from my mouth these days, I think I am entitled to some speaking rights about marriage. I hope this will benefit my friend’s son who seems frenetic wooing a girl, with no sign of the girl wooing him back. So here it goes, my two cents’ worth; Lohcifer’s Dirty Dozen to getting hitched:

  1. Dump the bitch who mindfucks you – yes, the cock-teaser who “tests” you and puts you through all kinds of exasperating horseshit. It’s a foretaste of more hell to come, so dump her. You’ll be sorry for not heeding this advice. No woman will agree, and bra-burning feminists will want to lynch me, but allow me to let you in on a little secret: all women are power-crazy, they love nothing more than to see you grovel or tremble like a piece of jelly in front of them; they enjoy seeing you eat out of their hands, like a dog or whimper like a hungry puppy when they make you crawl and suffer, so don’t fall victim to that nonsense unless you are a confirmed masochist.
  2. Your true love should accept you, warts and all, and will stand by you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. Now, that’s a tall order. That’s why marriage vows should be taken seriously. When you are broke or jobless, when you are confined to a wheelchair with one leg amputed and receive your sustenance through a tube in the nose, and shit your crap into bags and urinate through a catheter stuck in your urethra – will she still love you and care for you or will she be glued to the TV watching Korean soap operas?
  3. Does she give you space? I have a friend who cut off all ties with his friends, even his best friends from way back, because his wife wants him all for herself. She also intervenes in his choice of barbers and tailors. Is she so super special that a man is willing to descend to that level just to win that bitch’s hand in marriage? Doesn’t he possess any self-pride?
  4. Is she a helpmeet? Now, that’s a biblical term so check it out. Or does she expect to be pampered like a princess 24×7 who won’t lift a finger to do anything? I have a friend whose wife negotiates everything with him – you want to go out and smoke cigars with your friends, okay, I want that Hermès handbag; you want to go and attend a friend’s birthday party in London, okay pay for my vacation in Japan. He has to get “visas” from her before stepping out of the house. You get the idea. She also refuses to clean the toilets in their house. And she won’t step into the kitchen. When he’s hungry in the middle of the night, she snaps at him and tells him to drink water but when she’s hungry, he gets up to cook for her or drives out to buy food for her. Being her husband is worse than being a nurse in the ICU. I’m sure my friend is happier wiping the backsides of comatose patients, to be honest. Net net: Will she make you a better person? Will you both make each other better human beings?
  5. This girl whom you have the hots for now, can you imagine spending the rest of your life with her? Really? Think again. Remember, God has endowed you with brains, that’s the organ in your head, not that appendage between your legs.
  6. Does she relate well with your family members? Or does she think your dad is Jabba the Hut and your mum is mental and your sister is a whore?
  7. Love is indeed blind – now that you are so obsessed with her, you will not see her faults and flaws. But they are there, trust me, they are there. Just focus and visualize – would you still love her if she picks her nose in front of you, farts every half an hour, burps like a buffoon, and grow as fat as an elephant one day or get cancer and lose all her hair and half her nose and wears adult diapers? Ever smelled a soiled adult diaper?
  8. One key to maintaining and nurturing a marriage is open communications – are you prepared to have no secrets between you? Is she the type who will squirrel money away in her own private bank account to buy gifts for her ex?
  9. Will your friends be proud of her? Will you be ashamed to take her along to the office Christmas lunch, know what I mean? Are you worried what your bosses and colleagues will think of her? That they will scoff at your choice of a spouse. I know a guy whom we call Mr Perfectionist. He returns 90% of everything he purchases because he would find flaws in them. So we all expect his wife to be a Miss Universe type or at least a Miss Singapore type or at the very least, a Miss Yishun standard, but when he took along his wife to a party one day, all of us wept oceans of tears in sympathy for him. Sorry, I digressed. But that gives me an idea for another blog post another time.
  10. Look out for the basket cases – like those who make you pay the price for their past bad experiences. Some cunts will jerk you around and refuse to commit themselves to the relationship or whatever because they have had bad relationships in the past. Be wary of anyone dumping their emotional baggage onto you! Remember other people’s monkey doesn’t need to be yours. A wise monkey never monkeys around with other monkeys’ monkeys. Those bad experiences happened before you came into her life. So get your head screwed right and your perspective right too. You cannot afford to be a full-time psychiatrist to your spouse for the rest of your life.
  11. Love shouldn’t be full of agony and pain, so if the pleasure and joy is more than the anxiety and worry, please do yourself a favor and walk away. A man walking around looking like he’s constipated is not the face of a man in love, but that of a man who’s a victim of what he thinks is love. Love emancipates, it does not imprison.
  12. Finally remember, she’s not the only woman in the world, and that your time WILL come. It may come five, even ten years later, but it WILL come. Plus – and listen to this! – singleness is a GIFT and a BLESSING. Singleness doesn’t come with encumbrances and frees you to be your real you. Come on, if milk is so cheap, why buy a fucking cow?
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