Made of vegetable-tanned English bridle leather, like those made by Swaine Adeney Brigg.

I believe this type of leather is the best and the most beautiful, plus I like the traditional British look.

But just after receiving my order, the poor fellow was hospitalized for bypass surgery!

Hope’s he recovering well. Not worried about the bag, just concerned about his health.

Ng.

Lim.

When I was a wee little lad, mum would keep things from me.

For my own sake, she would say.

Some things were hushed up because they involved scandals or news too unsavory for little children to know.

Some things were things little children had no business knowing.

Some things that happened were spoken about by supposedly wise, all-knowing adults in hush tones because children, with yet undeveloped brains might jump to wrong conclusions about things.

Mum and the rest of “the establishment” as I knew it then as a little boy was helluva good in covering up unsavory news involving certain people.

I know mum did it sometimes to avoid us little kids talking about it to other kids in the neighborhood which in the end would cause mum and the rest of the adults major embarrassment.

But we kids had our own network and the harder mum tried to keep things under wraps the harder it was to contain certain news.

Mum’s attempts at covering things up usually resulted in a worse set of circumstances happening.

In the end, it usually took someone like dad to step in and assuage us kids and pacify us kids and undo the mess that mum has created.

But by then, as much as I loved mum, from then on, everything that mum said I had no choice but to take it with a pinch of salt.

Mum passed on nearly 19 years ago, but on the second day of Chinese New Year – I’m NOT going to call it Lunar New Year – something happened that reminded me of mum: two major arrests in Singapore! Wow.

Until a Chinese evening scandal sheet broke the news on the second day of Chinese New Year, the majority of the Singaporean public was completely in the dark about the arrests on December 19 of Central Narcotics Bureau head honcho Ng Boon Gay and that of Singapore Civil Defence Force top dog Peter Lim Sin Pang on January 4.

These were among the highest-level arrests ever involving public servants.

But the public was kept completely in the dark.

Until the exposé by the Chinese papers on January 24, nobody knew anything.

Then the news started – in drips and drabs.

Oh the two scholars, obviously not gentlemen, were arrested for serious personal misconduct.

Oh they are out on bail.

Oh both were “interdicted” from their duties and their deputies have taken over.

Oh it was about women and money.

No it was about graft and a woman from an American IT multinational corporation is involved.

Too bad dad is in his 80’s and is happily retired, spending his time scratching his balls, drinking tea with friends and reading Chinese classics and traveling the world, otherwise those clowns in the Singapore government should engage him to teach them how to implement crisis management and damage control.

I know what dad would say, “Rule Number One: Never treat your citizens like they are idiots. Never practice Mushroom Management.”

Huh? Mushroom Management, what the fuck is that?

“Oh,” dad would say, “it means ‘keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit.’”

I felt with a heavy heart the pain and trauma that have befallen upon your people. You were then right in the middle of a tumultuous ten-year period of internal turmoil.

I suffered humiliation, ridicule and extreme physical discomfort to bring you good news.

Above all, I cried for you and with you as you reset and rebuild.

Today you have risen far from and high above the ashes.

At all costs, you are determined to be the magnificent Phoenix the world cannot help but notice.

You stride across continents with your heads held high.

Your fingers are in every pie.

Your people buy apartment blocks to launder their ill-gotten fortunes, they buy ten-thousand-dollar Lafites to show off and they make Rolls-Royce a household name.

Food is wasted, resources squandered, “get rich at all costs” is your mantra – to hell with food standards, so what if tainted milk powder kill innocent babies – and cheating, lying as well as corruption are the hallmarks of your world.

Your young women, crafty beyond their years, seduce our men and break up our families.

They stand in line outside Louis Vuitton stores, afraid they aren’t allow to buy more, more and more.

Your men swagger with arrogance and pride while clearing their phlegm and spitting in the wind.

There’s nothing they won’t buy – as long as an object of desire is the most expensive, they want it.

From Daytonas to Franck Mullers they want them all.

Bald men are buying expensive electric shavers, people who know nothing about cigars are stocking up on Behikes just because they are costly and those who know nothing about pipe smoking are buying up the most expensive, highly priced handcrafted Dunhill dead root three-stars and the handiworks of some of the best European carvers, just because they can. Not because they appreciate the work of these master carvers. But because they have money.

Your people take up domicile in my country, buy up Sentosa Cove, enjoy our safe and secure environment as well as other benefits, yet your people ridicule and belittle us.

Your people residing here glare and stare at us “natives” as if we are the ones who are the strangers in our own country.

Despite their peasant ways your people’s ability to throw money around continues to evoke the awe of lesser mortals.

Today my heart bleeds for you.

My heart bleeds because no tears will ever be enough to drown my sorrows at seeing what you have become.

How could you change so much?

I have loved you once, but I can hardly recognize you now.

In the wink of an eye, you’ve become a different monster.

You’ve become a dragon everyone hates.

Over 60 years of living under an ideology that has no place for spiritual values, an ideology that forced you to claw your way out of the rot that engulfed you just to survive, you have become mean-spirited, immoral, unethical and self-serving.

Your philosophy is “the end justifies the means.”

And to think that I’ve cried for you nearly 40 years ago.

In my heart of hearts, I feel betrayed and I feel so stupid.

An ineffectual older person now, no longer in the prime of my life, I am powerless and frail, and I feel defeated. My only comfort is the thought that what goes up must eventually come down.

What rises will one day decline.

One day you’re the cock of the walk, the next a feather duster.

History has never proven that wrong.

Morally corrupted as they were, even Sodom and Gomorrah didn’t last forever.

But in spite of my grief and frustration, I still harbor a tinge of hope for you and your people.

My hope is that by the time the Almighty is done with you, your people won’t be too broken to learn some essential truths.

Indeed, my hope is that that your people will eventually understand the meaning of humility.

One day, may your people live out the true meaning of what it is to be human and to be civilized again.

Then my tears would not have been in vain.

They are expensive. In fact, the police has warned retailers that “cans of abalone should be kept in locked display shelves, which are only accessible by staff and monitored by CCTV cameras.”

Imagine that!

“Abalone” in Chinese sounds like “guaranteed to have surplus” so the mollusk becomes a “must-eat” food during Chinese new year. I don’t care if “abalone” is homophone for “baloney” but I like eating abalones.

This is how a raw abalone looks like. (See picture below.) Does it remind you of a part of the female anatomy?No wonder my friends and I roar with laughter when we see clueless bimbo celebrities like Fann Wong proudly promoting abalones, holding the shellfish in their smooth, soft, dainty, manicured hands. The ultimate food porn!

Here’s a very naughty mock ad making fun of that douche bag Edison Chen plugging Gillian Chung’s abalone, calling it “Number one abalone.” If you have been following the continuing scandal and understand Chinese, you’ll be able to read a lot more into the suggestive words.

We often hear retailers or restaurateurs speaking of abalones in terms of number of heads. Number of heads refers to the size of the abalone. One head is considered the biggest. “Restaurant standard” is about 200 to 220g per head. Abalones in restaurants range from two to up to 16 heads. The bigger the number, the smaller the abalone. An abalone from a can is about 1.5 head although this year we’ve seen a proliferation of canned “baby” abalones. Another way of looking at it is this:  a four-head abalone means it takes four pieces of similar size abalone to make one Chinese “jin” ‘ (500g) or 125g each so a five-head abalone means it weights 100g.

Confused? Me too, I just remember the bigger the number the smaller the abalone.

My favorite abalones however are the dried ones. It takes a long time to prepare and hours to braise. If your girlfriends cooks them for you, take it from me – this one’s a keeper.

My next best alternative is the canned Calmex abalone from Mexico. To many canned abalone connoisseurs this is the only brand they will eat. It is a brand that has been around since I was a kid.

But because it is so expensive – this year it retails for S$195/- a can – all kinds of other brands have surfaced, but be careful what you’re buying because if someone sells you two cans of abalone for 45 bucks, there’s got to be a catch somewhere – you might be buying tiny abalones that are a bloody waste of time.

I’ll be very careful if you’re buying anything other than Calmex.

Beauty and the Beast?

TV host Quan Yifeng was sentenced last month to 15 months’ supervised probation for committing mischief during her altercation with a taxi driver in June 2010, when she damaged the fare meter and ripped out the receipt printer of his taxi, before spilling water on it.

Two other charges – of kicking the right passenger door of the taxi, and pushing and attempting to kick the 53-year-old cabby – were also been taken into consideration.

She had cited depression in her mitigation.

A lot of us are depressed too, do we go around trashing taxis?

In addition, Quan’s grand-aunt posted a bond of S$3,000/- to ensure she does not commit another offence during her probation period.

This is not the first time the Taiwan-born out-of-control freak was in the limelight for the wrong reasons.

Back in 1996, she was fined S$1,000/- for fighting with a bowling alley assistant.

And in 2008 she allegedly slapped her then-husband in public when he tried to pacify her in a quarrel with another driver over a traffic dispute.

Frankly, I think she got away much too lightly.

In Singapore, any person who commits any act of vandalism is liable on conviction to a fine not exceeding S$2,000/- or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 3 years, and shall also, subject to sections 325(1) and 330(1) of the Criminal Procedure Code 2010, be punished with caning with not less than 3 strokes and not more than 8 strokes. However, vandalism refers to public property and she wasn’t charged for that.

To rub salt into the wound, Quan was made cover girl on 8 Days recently and allowed her chance to tell her side of the story, to re-write history in her favor in the 10-page feature on her.

In the magazine’s January 12 issue, she even had the audacity to say “if someone spits on my face, I must turn the other cheek.”

I wonder who will be on 8 Days’ cover next.

Saw Phaik Hwa?

The lawyer who got her off was Subhas Anandan, whose reputation precedes him.

For an offence of this nature, she engaged Subhas Anandan, a criminal lawyer who is known for defending murderers.

I wonder who she’ll engage if she commits murder.

And I wonder if it was an ordinary person who did what she did, would this person get away with the same light slap on the wrist?

Rosemary Righter, I salute you for being an alpha biatch with titanium balls!

There is no love lost between me and those despots in North Korea, so this is not a post defending them.

I’ve been to North Korea (do a search on this blog) and let me tell you, those guys running that place are no idiots. We make fun of them at our own peril.

Therefore I think it is rather unbecoming for a supposedly credible publication like Newsweek (January 9 & 16 issue) to say under its commentary entitled NewsBeast – yes, NewsBeast, tsk, tsk – that the Swiss-educated Kim Jong-un’s “only known talent is eating.”

The piece is by Rosemary Righter.

Come on, Kim Jong-un may look stupid, but Rosemary Righter, you’re not that smart either making fun of people like that. You have no right to. (Pun intended.)

Retards like Righter (NewsBitch?) should not tease and make idiotic remarks, but offer constructive advice that will contribute to the containment of diabolical leaders. If they can’t make themselves useful, they should just shut the fuck up.

1973-2012

Yesterday, with profound sadness, I bade farewell to a dear friend and a fantastic human being, John David Drayton, who left us on new year’s day.

Jack was a member of our pipe and cigar group and was very well-loved by everyone. As a great raconteur, he would entertain us by telling us all kinds of amusing stories that often left us roaring with laughter.

I went to the wake with seven others from our group. There wasn’t a dry eye at the wake.

Jack, I saw you in your casket, a picture of peace and serenity. You had a beautiful pipe in your pocket, and you looked resplendent in your suit, with a red tie from your fraternity. May your soul rest in eternal repose.

I will miss your energy, your engaging presence, your Southern drawl, your cowboy boots, your sense of humor, your smiles and laughter, and your funny stories.

Indeed, you will forever be missed but I know at the right time, I will meet you again – in heaven.

And when we meet I’ll be crying again. This time, it won’t be tears of sorrow; instead my eyes will be tearing from laughter caused by the funny stories I know you’ll once more be telling me!

NOTE: To offer words of comfort to Jack’s family, please click here.

However, the Tanganyika Meerschaum Corporation Limited no longer exists and Kiko pipes are a rarity.

But, recently my Canadian friend Edward Wong found five – unsmoked – and bought them for me!

Thanks, Ed, what a treat! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

New Year Resolutions for 2012:.

I do not suffer fools gladly and will minimize contact with anyone I consider a fool.

I will stop replying to emails and text messages sent by people who don’t reply to my emails and text messages. Yup, give them a bit of their own medicine.

I will stop looking into some people’s rooms to see how much of a pig sty their rooms have become. (Puking is not something I enjoy.)

I will consume less alcohol, less coffee and tea and reduce my sugar intake.

I will drink more healthy drinks.

I resolve to be happy.

I will not be bullied.

If I am standing in line somewhere (supermart, etc) and you cut in front of me, not only will I tell you off, I will rip into you using the most colorful language I can muster in a voice so loud the whole world will know you are a douche bag and that you are being chastised for behaving like someone born out of wedlock, someone whose parents have never gotten married.

I will not let others take my kindness for weakness.

I will not let others have the satisfaction of irritating me.

I will go on more vacations alone because traveling companions can be a real pain in the ass.

I will prune my Friends list and delete as many people from my address book as possible – especially people who are assholes, ingrates, idiots and retards.

If I give someone a gift, I will continue NOT to expect a word of thanks.

If I am not well, I will NOT expect others to ask after me.

I will expect very little of everyone to minimize being disappointed time and again.

I will not respond to people who initiate online chats with me while their status says “Busy” or while they stay in invisible mode. I hate sneaky people.

I detest people who, after I’ve said something, say “I was just thinking of saying that myself” or “You said it, not me” or “I was wondering when you would say that.” That’s sneaky and very unoriginal.

I will re-activate my Twitter and start tweeting again – sparingly though.

I will also be blogging less – lots of other stuff to complete.

I will stop irritating people – the Scrooges, the know-it-alls, the confused, the hypocrites, etc.

I will avoid those petty, calculative Scrooges who forget how generous I’ve been with them but remember for the rest of their miserable lives when I owe them ten cents.

I will avoid the know-it-alls, those who have an answer for everything, who think they’re smarter than others, who can do no wrong. Hey asshole, if you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich? Where is your private jet?

I will attempt to read a Chinese book this year. Shouldn’t be too difficult as I’m already reading Chinese newspapers and magazines.

I will smoke my pipe and cigars indoors and if you don’t like it, you can buzz off.

I will not be hoodwinked into flying economy class again. For the first time in 30 years I was persuaded to fly monkey class last year (to and from Israel) and I nearly asphyxiated and almost died.

I will not be suckered into spending even one cent at another so-called award-winning celebrity chef’s restaurant unless that restaurant is still standing a year after it’s opening.

I will also not stand in line for food.

And I will not hesitate to walk out when I get shitty service.

I will not conform to clients’ corporate dress codes if it doesn’t make sense – I am not your employee. If I decide to show up wearing polos and khakis, it’s my prerogative.

I will not allow clients to bargain with me over my fees – if you think I’m expensive, try SIM, PSB or any one of those many cowboys and charlatans out there and let me know if you can find someone with my qualifications and credentials at the price I quote you. I would like to meet this person. Plus, there’s always Edward de Bono.

If you have to bargain, you can’t afford me so please don’t waste my time and please don’t waste your own time.

I will choose my clients wisely. Those who are not willing to pay or those who are a pain will be dropped like hot potatoes.

In fact, this year I will avoid idiots who know the price of everything but the value of nothing.

I will stop dispensing unsolicited advice to people I care for – if they cannot handle constructive feedback from a loved one, let the harsh world out there be their teacher instead.

I will keep my mouth shut if others wish to self-destruct. It’s their funeral, not mine.

I will minimize getting into a car of any driver who cannot drive without cursing other drivers. I have enough of absorbing others’ toxic vibes.

I am going to stop criticizing people who put up Christmas trees at Christmas but during the Chinese New Year period deck their homes out like Chinese temples; those who select all the fun part from every religion and culture but have no firm stand on what their own relationship with God is. Of course some may disagree that such people are rather wishy-washy, but be that as it may, I will endeavor to keep my big mouth shut when I come across such people.

I’m going to try to care less – let others go to hell if that’s what they want.

Beginning this year, I will also start the process to disengage from long-term relationships that have become boring, toxic, tiresome, non-edifying, burdensome or just plain irritating to me.

And I will stay far far away from hypocrites – especially those who play “church” with noses in the air, treating it like a social club, with inward-looking, self-serving cliques and shitty attitudes, dividing the world into spiritual haves and have-nots.

Yes, I will be a very bo chap me in 2012.

And may God strike me blind if I watch or read anything with Beatrice Chia, Wong Li Lin, Woffles Wu, Dennis Chew or Kumar in it.

Happy new me!