Pay, You Cock!

PheyYou do the crime, you serve the time. Well, I guess some people “didn’t get the memo.”

He was supposed to be a rising star, but for misappropriating a paltry sum of money, he ran away to Thailand and hid there for 35 years. Now that The Old Man is dead, he has returned to Singapore, at age 81, an old man himself, to also die in his homeland eventually.

Not a very bright fellow is he?

When charged in 1979, Phey Yew Kok should have just paid up and served time and if he had done so, he’ll probably be a free man now.

Who identified this nutcase and considered him their protégé and elevated him to such improbable heights? What happened to the supposedly stringent selection process? What talent-spotting methodology got them a petty criminal?

And I find it hard to believe that we don’t know where he was hiding all these years, given the so-called great bilateral relations between us and Thailand.

You think we stupid or what?

No wonder comedians can’t make a living in Singapore; there are already too many clowns running around talking cock.

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Gordon Ramsay’s Singapore Restaurant, Bread Street Kitchen’s Epic Fail

Pick up that fucking phone!

Pick up that fucking phone!

Gordon Ramsay is supposed to be a professional with high standards, that is, if you believe those TV shows.

Nevertheless when I was in London on May 6th this year, I blew 700 bucks for lunch at one of his restaurants. I was happy enough with the food and service to want to book a table at his Singapore outfit, Bread Street Kitchen, to celebrate a friend’s 50th birthday.

However the phone number listed played a recording all day and night no matter what time I called. This went on for several days. The recording instructed callers to email the restaurant or to use its online reservation system for bookings. So I sent an email but it wasn’t responded to. Then I tried using the restaurant’s online reservation system but it hung.

Long story short: in the end another celebrity chef had our business.

We spent super mega bucks (about S$12,000/-) for that 50th birthday dinner. Too bad it didn’t go to Bread Street Kitchen.

Bread Street Kitchen phoned me one day after the birthday to apologize for missing my email. The woman on the line sounded like a Filipina.

“I don’t know what happened,” she said. She seemed exasperated.

What happened? Incompetence and a lack of professionalism, darling.

Then she asked “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Like what?” I asked.

“How about I help you with another reservation?” She suggested.

Well, too late now, right?

Three days after the birthday an email from a Jenna Sendall was received apologizing for the restaurant’s inability to respond to my email in time. She offered to invite me back “to enjoy champagne and canapés on the house” next time I dine with them but in the same breath she reminded me that the restaurant is “fully booked well into August, however we do hold some tables for VIPs depending on availability for special guests” whatever that means.

Those jokers running Gordon Ramsey’s eatery in Singapore obviously have zero understanding of the concept of “service recovery.”

Just as well, the June 28th edition of The Sunday Times carried a rather negative review of the restaurant by eminent food critic Wong Ah Yoke, whose review is said to be able to make or break a restaurant.

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Yes, Me Asshole, but You, Retarded Moron Since Conception

MoronizedHair for Hope is Children’s Cancer Foundation’s signature fundraising event – the only head-shaving event in Singapore that serves to raise funds and awareness of childhood cancer.

Through the symbolic gesture of shaving bald, the event – among other objectives – aims to create awareness of childhood cancer in Singapore, tell children with cancer that it is ok to be bald and raise funds and help children with cancer and with their families.

Every shaven head in Hair for Hope represents the understanding by an individual of the ordeals that a child with cancer is subjected to.

Hair for Hope 2014 saw 6656 shavees coming together for a good cause, raising more than S$3.29 million

This year, Hair for Hope is in its 13th year running.

I signed up for Hair for Hope 2015 and will be shaved bald in public on July 26th.

My intention is to help create empathy for children cancer patients and at the same time, raise a token, symbolic sum for Children’s Cancer Foundation. But in just a couple of weeks after announcing my target, I was humbled to learn that I have raised more than ten times the amount I had intended. (Donors use an online form and funds raised go directly to Children’s Cancer Foundation – no cash pass through my hands.)

People whom I least expect came through with generous donations. Even a student from Ireland who interviewed me once for his thesis donated, so did friends and acquaintances from overseas. The size of the donation varies – the largest amount received was S$2000/-, the smallest sum raised was S$20/-.

But one obnoxious retard whom I have known for a good number of years started to scoff at my effort and to mock me about my soon-to-be-bald head and when I told him to consider making a donation instead of making snide comments, he retorted “I don’t like to be told what to do and I will deliberately not donate precisely because you asked me to.” And to rub salt into the wound, he added, “I’d rather give my money to toilet cleaners.” Then he called me an asshole.

What the fuck?

His mother should have just swallowed or just stain the sheets instead of the whole of humanity.

Anyway, nobody calls me an asshole to my face and gets away with it.

Be warned! The knives are out!

But why bother, I wonder. Some people just grow old, they don’t grow up. So it’ll be an utter waste of my energy to deal with his douchebaggery. When you try to engage in a meaningful interaction with an intellectually-unarmed person such as this cringey fucktard with shit for brains, you’re only going to get drained. He’s only going to drag you down to his level and then beat you with his experience. Groundhog day over and over again. Remember this fuckface has been a retarded moron since conception. I’m sorry, but I’m stating facts. Well, as they say, the only pool without a lifeguard is the gene pool.

I’ll just treat him as a persona non grata.

From now on, as far as I am concerned, he has simply ceased to exist.

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Stripped Naked

Here’s a tin of Peterson Connoisseur’s Choice pipe tobacco:


But according to Australia’s latest iteration of its draconian anti-tobacco laws, this is how it appears in the Australian tobacco stores that are still in business; the label on the reverse side, the front, has been removed completely:

The tin is stripped of all wordings, and the label specifying the tobacco's  name is on the bottom of the tin.

The tin is stripped of all wordings, and the label specifying the tobacco’s name is on the bottom of the tin.

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Gross Profiteering

EarlyMorningPipeA store in Singapore was selling this for S$79/-. It was recently marked down to S$69/-. Oh, a discount? Their generosity staggers the imagination! Throngs of pipe smokers must be on their knees thanking them. (By the way the same store sells a €65/- Savinelli Cricket pipe for well over S$300/-.)

If you go online to, say,, a tin of the pipe tobacco shown above is just US$9.15 before discount. (You get 10% off if you order 25 tins or more, meaning each will cost just US$8.24).

At it’s US$91.10 for a tin and if you order 5 tins, it’ll only cost you US$7.73 a tin.

At it’s US$9.29 a tin.

I think S$79/- a tin is daylight robbery. I believe unscrupulous merchants who do such things will get their comeuppance.

If you order online and pay tax and shipping, it’s still cheaper than being robbed.

And if you go to Malaysia it’s selling for MR75/- a tin, which is still darn cheap – compare that to S$79/-. And even if you declare at Customs and pay tax, it’s still worth buying in Malaysia, especially now when the Malaysian Ringgit is at an all-time low.

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A Pipe from South Africa

Landrick’s work takes him to Johannesburg quite often; recently he came back with several of these beautifully handcrafted pipes for all of us:


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A New Cricket

Ever since my first Savinelli Cricket flew away, I’ve been wanting one. Thanks Tek Heng for this gift, hand-carried all the way from Milan:


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Lychee Reverse Calabash

LycheePipeAnapayan K Pillai aka Anan Pillai, who lives in Canada, is probably the only Indian pipe maker around.

In 2012, when he had to reduce his working hours due to health reasons, he was forced to look for additional income and so he turned to pipe making.

Anan makes some really beautiful pipes and I’m the proud owner of a reverse calabash that was purchased for me.

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Choped by Aunty

CoffeeBeanJEMSofa-like seats which are more comfortable are hard to come by in almost all of The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf outlets, yet staff at their JEM Mall outlet allowed someone to place his or her belongings on a sofa seat. I observed this occurring several times and again when I was there from 10am to 11.45am on May 28th.

Several bags were placed on a sofa seat depriving customers who prefer that seat. The owner of these bags was nowhere in sight. Also because the impression given was that it was occupied, no one dared use the other accompanying sofa seat opposite it.

I was alarmed for security reasons. Who knows if those bags contain a terrorist threat? In other countries, such unaccompanied bags would have been removed by security. So I called the attention of a staff – a Malay girl wearing a tudong – who didn’t seem to care. She just mumbled something incoherent and walked away. I then asked for her supervisor and a Filipino man identified himself as the manager and he told me he allowed an “aunty” to park her bags there daily. “I know who she is,” he assured me, as if to tell me that there wasn’t bomb in one of those bags and not to worry, no one will be blown to bits.

I was blown away by the fact that he had totally missed the point.


Why do companies hire comedians to become managers?

Emails to Coffee Bean didn’t seem to solve the problem, unfortunately.

Apparently the joker still operates a luggage depository for his favorite “aunty.”

A check on June 2nd and June 4th confirmed that.

The rest of the time I was busy giving my business to other coffee places in the mall.

Then a miracle happened. No more bags were seen when I visited again on June 11th.

I get a blast each time corporations take customers’ feedback seriously.

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Isn’t it Time to Demonize Booze?

Tobacco will never do this to you!

Tobacco will never do this to you!

Any retard can quote verbatim from Wikipedia and write a letter demonizing tobacco, still Amy Choong Mei Fun should be lauded for taking the time and making the effort to do so.

Her letter to The Straits Times on May 27th, entitled “Harmful effects of tobacco, from production to disposal” started off by saying how land must be deforested to make way for tobacco plants, then moved on to child labor being employed, to deadly pesticides and fertilizers being used to cigarettes being toxic, blah, blah, blah, the usual anti-tobacco Nazi crap.

Well, didn’t HL Mencken once said that “the urge to save humanity is almost always a false-front for the urge to rule it”?

I don’t know what dear Amy’s real agenda is, but perhaps she should visit Wikipedia again and write another letter this time on the harmful effects of alcohol, from production to disposal.

Alcohol consumption – and its sinister outcome – is on the rise, which is one reason why alcohol sale is now prohibited from 10.30pm onwards and beer promoters have been barred from food courts and hawker centers. Victims of binge drinking vomiting in public places, trying to do a Merlion, is a common sight especially at Boat Quay and Clarke Quay and at watering holes everywhere. It is also not uncommon to see drinkers consuming beer at kopi-tiams, food courts and hawker centers as early as 8am in the morning and on top of all that, Singapore has earned a dubious distinction in the world by being rated as the number one whisky drinking country globally. Seriously, must we be number one in everything?

Indeed, Americans drink less than half a bottle of whisky per person per year; this is pale in comparison to Singaporeans, we drink nearly 13 bottles per person annually (according to statistics provided by Scotch Whisky Association.) That’s 13 bottles per person, mind you. Bars are springing up everywhere. We drink so much that some whisky brands, are made available exclusively in Singapore first, then in Tokyo, Taipei, Shanghai and Hong Kong and eventually to the rest of the world later.

Tobacco didn’t cause a disastrous riot in Singapore recently, the first such social unrest in decades. True, alcohol produces no second-hand smoke but it is a silent killer, the act of a person drinking away quietly is akin to a person poisoning himself directly. He might as well just inject alcohol into his bloodstream. Smokers may not blow smoke into your environs, and if they do, certainly less lethal smoke than those emitted by vehicles, but the drinker imbibing alone may well turn out to be a monster. (Are those calling for a ban on secondhand smoke actually being selfishly mean and wishing that others may just silently go and die? Or is it a convenient matter of “out of sight, out of mind” like some Germans during Hitler’s reign of terror. Just because you are not near enough to see smoke from the ovens, you think everything is hunky dory. Yup, as long as it’s not happening in your own backyard, why the fuck should you care, right? Or is the call to ban tobacco just another middle finger pointed by those repressed retards with unresolved anger issues?) Not called a “social lubricant” for nothing, alcohol can alter one’s perception, judgment and behavior and cause more damage and harm than tobacco. Tobacco won’t cause people to rape and molest. I’m a pipe and cigar smoker and I haven’t raped or molested anyone yet. Recently a woman was raped when the rapist who saw her drinking alone invited her for a ride in his car. Nobody rapes or get raped after consuming tobacco. Tobacco also won’t cause road accidents. Alcohol can kill instantaneously, as in the case of a karaoke hostess from Korea who died here in Singapore when a client of hers forced her to drown 18 shots of alcohol neat by paying her 50 bucks a shot. Bastard should be charged for murder. And recently a French barman has been convicted of manslaughter and given a suspended sentence after allowing a customer to drink 56 shots that led to his death.

Yes, I’m sure Wikipedia, social media, etc has all that, dear Amy.

To keep things in perspective, I therefore hope keyboard warriors like Amy would write in to warn us about the harmful effects of alcohol, and perhaps urge the government to ban alcohol completely. Of course she will have to pay a higher income tax since the government will lose the humongous tax collected from alcohol, and when that happens she can always write yet another letter preaching about the evils of income tax, I suppose. In any case, alcohol surely deserves as much attention as tobacco, but few have chosen to demonize it thus far. Perhaps that time has come?

By the way if you see a bulge in my cheek, it’s my tongue, you moron!

Secondhand smoke won't do this to you.

Secondhand smoke won’t do this to you.

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