An X-rated Pipe

PenisPipe

JQ came back from Shanghai with a pipe shaped like a you-know-what for me.

It’s a beautiful and very well-made pipe but I’ve never had a dick in my mouth before and I’m not about to start.

Posted in Thank You for Smoking | Comments Off on An X-rated Pipe

Book Humidor

Sikarlan

This leather-bound book humidor by Sikarlan is cedar-lined. The dividers will hold up to five 51 ring gauge cigars of 178mm in length (Churchill size). The entire divider section can also be removed to give a 78mm x 178mm x 25mm compartment.

The humidor comes with a cigar cutter as well.

Posted in Thank You for Smoking | Comments Off on Book Humidor

Rent a Friend, Amputate your Legs, and Kill your Lover

Brutally slaughtered by the blade runner.

Brutally slaughtered by the blade runner.

“Progress has peopled history with the marvels and monsters of technology but it has depopulated the life of man. It has given us more things but not more being.” – Octavio Paz

A Singapore company is providing “friends” for hire.

The roles for these fake friends range from groomsmen and bridesmaids to sports buddies and fake partners to meet the parents.

How much does it cost? It depends on the service – getting someone to call you on the telephone for 15 minutes will cost 15 bucks. Hiring a groomsman or bridesmaid for 12 hours – speech included – will set you back by a thousand bucks.

There are probably many reasons why people have to rent “friends” nowadays. Perhaps this phenomenon is partly the result of entire generations of human beings spending more time socializing online than in person. Ironically, social media doesn’t make people more sociable. We are more connected but we are lonelier. So we think companionship without a relationship is the way out. And companies seek to exploit this. Purely transactional, right?

Anyone with any moral sense would instead think of ways to encourage interpersonal relationships, and not start a company renting out “friends.”

Pathetic!

Accused and convicted of killing his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp (that’s her in the picture above) on Valentine’s Day, 2013, Oscar Pistorius paraded himself on his stumps in court recently in a bid to keep himself out of jail.

The world watched in amazement as the paralympian took off his prosthetic legs and tottered across a packed courtroom.

It was a desperate attempt to gain sympathy.

Pathetic!

I say, give this retching, crying, sniveling, vomiting degenerate an Oscar!

Born without fibulas, Pistorius, whose legs were amputated below the knee when he was 11 months old, is as shameless as he is gross. He played the sympathy card by removing his prosthetic legs, to show just how vulnerable he is without them.

Andrea Peyser of New York Post said “That a six-time gold-medal Paralympian who competed in the 2012 Olympics in London — the first double-amputee ever to run alongside able-bodied athletes — could try so hard to be seen as soft and powerless is an insult to strong and capable disabled people.”

The prosecutor showed a video of a grinning Pistorius shooting at a watermelon, saying it was “softer than brains’’ and calling a powerful .50-caliber handgun a “zombie stopper.’’

“You know the same happened to Reeva’s head,’’ said the prosecutor. “It exploded.”

You do the crime, you do the time, douche bag!

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on Rent a Friend, Amputate your Legs, and Kill your Lover

Name and Shame!

I started a joke which started the whole world crying.

I started a joke which started the whole world crying.

A sheriff’s refusal to name the perpetrator of the mass shooting in Oregon last year seemed to have started a trend. (That’s the doofus in the picture above.) A recent CNN tribute to the victims of Sunday’s shooting in Orlando deliberately avoided mentioning the name of the shooter, Omar Mir Seddique Mateen.

Apparently the idea was to not give eminence to the gunman. “I will not give him the credit he probably sought prior to this horrific act of cowardice. You will never hear me mention his name,” declared the sheriff. Very Churchillian. Impressed the shit out of so many.

Retards all!

Not naming the culprit is an utterly asinine move by the smartest people from the smartest country in the world where an ordinary dude could walk into a store and buy an assault rifle intended for warfare.

I say, shame and name the monster!

Naming the loser will expose his network, allowing his coterie of perhaps like-minded evildoers to become known, thus preventing further tragedies; not only that, it will enable the authorities to ferret out those potential murderers lurking around in sleeper cells, waiting for the right time to strike. By not naming these killers, aren’t you not falling into the trap of the killers and their associates? Hey, I’m all for preventive detention!

More than once, America’s security networks and agencies have failed miserably. This Orlando gunman was in the sights of the authorities – the FBI knew of him, they monitored him for about a year and even interrogated him twice, yet he was given the green light to work for G4S, the world’s largest global security firm, which employs more than 610,000 people in 110 countries.

In the United States alone, G4S security guards stand watch over airports, water and power plants, nuclear facilities, immigration transportation and even gated communities.

Those young kids from the Famous Five stories written by Enid Blyton that I used to read when I was a little boy would have fingered the killer out, but what happened in America? What happened to the FBI, the US Department of Homeland Security and all the other government security agencies dedicated to serve and protect?

Must have been sleeping.

I am also reminded of what the ancient Chinese did to hardcore criminals.

If caught, the criminal convicted of committing extremely atrocious crimes may be sentenced to a punishment known as “Eight Horses Separating the Body” – the wrongdoer’s body is tied to eight horses and the horses whipped to gallop off in eight different directions. During the period of the Warring States, Shang Yang, the chief advisor of Qin, was executed this way in full view of the public.

Clearly, the primitive Chinese believed that while God may forgive criminals, they, however, were quite happy to arrange the meeting.

For capital offences, the Chinese rulers of those days also practiced “Nine Kinship Exterminations.”

This punishment involved the execution of all relatives of an individual, which were categorized into nine groups. There were also variants of the punishment found in ancient Korea and Vietnam, the most prominent example being the family of Nguyen Trãi, the Vietnamese scholar.

These forms of punishment are extremely cruel and callous beyond imagination and absolutely heartless and inhumane, and completely irrelevant in this day and age or in any particular time in the history of mankind, but so is mercilessly gunning down 49 innocent people in cold blood.

For would-be killers out there, I implore you to please consider using other weapons, because there are no U-turns with guns. You can’t stop a bullet half way. You open fire and it’s a done deal. Real life is not a Bollywood movie where the hero can stop a bullet with his teeth and spit it out.

Do consider using heavy crystal ashtrays, decorative rocks, solid brass lampstands, kitchen knives, your guitar, a baseball bat, a bicycle, your children’s sport trophy, your belachan pestle, your Tua Pek Kong statue, your mother-in-law’s favorite cast-iron frying pan – you get the idea.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on Name and Shame!

That Miserable Kiss

MDADue to “kao peh kao bu” by some miserable bunch of pricks, the world-famous musical Les Misérables had to cut off a scene involving a brief peck on the lips among two men during the song Beggars at the Feast.

After being told it violated its “General” rating, the producers decided to remove the kiss, Singapore’s Media Development Authority announced.

The show’s organizers said that the scene was intended to be comical.

Obviously some members of the public didn’t think so. They took it to the authorities.

Lighten up Singaporeans!

We have a taxi system that’s fucked, a MRT that’s even more fucked, a government of overpaid cronies and incompetent sycophants and a nation plagued with diabetes and obesity, a strawberry generation that is being issued knee and elbow pads for National Service, a vulnerable tiny dot of a country susceptible to terror attacks, a country where the young’s moral compass seems non-existent, a country where during an accident, people prefer to take photos using their cell phones rather than help the victims and we “kao peh kao bu” about a quick same-sex kiss in a musical?

What the fuck is wrong with us? Are we sick or what?

Make no mistake, I’m not a gay activist, nor am I a fighter for LGBT rights; in fact, I think if God intended for us to be gay, He would have created Adam and Steve and not Adam and Eve, but why such a big hoo-ha over this miserable kiss?

Will watching that kiss turn us all gay or what?

And so what if people are gay? I don’t care what your sexual orientation is. I relate to you as another human being deserving of all your rights. And if I choose to collaborate with you, it’s based on your merits, your competency and what you bring to the table, not how you fuck or like to be fucked.

Fucking unbelievable, really.

Every time I think of it, anger surges to my cerebral cortex.

Heard of the term “transference”?

It’s mental state whereby feelings and attitudes in a person are attributed to others. Long story short: a lot of those who condemn gays are themselves afraid of their own gay tendencies.

Give that a thought, pricks! Those same miserable pricks who ran crying to the authorities.

And get a life!

And may losers like Omar Mateen, that detritus, that human trash, who carried out the deadliest mass shooting in US history by killing 49 and gunning down 53 others at that gay nightclub in Orlando, burn in hell for all eternity.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on That Miserable Kiss

“The Greatest” the Greatest?

Ali

My friend, the Thailand-based American author John Arnone wrote a letter to The Nation, a newspaper in Thailand about Muhammad Ali; needless to say it was heavily censored before being published and John said his letter “should have a few people wanting to tar and feather me, but what’s new?” It’s early days yet, and I haven’t seen the reactions but here’s the unedited, original version of John’s letter:

I have been watching the ongoing tributes and praise as a great American and humanitarian for Muhammad Ali in the media and I feel compelled to offer a different point of view

Was Ali a great boxing champion? Yes, probably the best ever. Was he a great personality and all around fun guy to watch? Absolutely! Should he be remembered and eulogized for those reasons? Of course, it goes without saying. But as a man and an American i have to ask myself a few questions. What made him better than me that he didn’t have to answer the call of his country to the armed forces? It goes with the turf. You enjoy the opportunity that America has to offer and in turn, you answer the call if it comes. And lord knows he definitely more than shared in the fruits of being an American. If you have a special reason for not being on the front lines, then you accept another line of work away from the front, but you serve. To make matters worse, it is fairly obvious that he couldn’t have cared less about the Vietnamese he claimed to be so concerned about because if he did, he would have been out protesting the war before, during and after his trial, like everyone else, But that didn’t happen. Rather, I think he just resented the possibility of having to answer to the white establishment that he so reviled.

Should Ali be remembered for his talent and charm, for being a great father and probably a great friend to those that knew him, not to mention his many charitable works? Of course. Should he be offered the sainthood and labels of a great humanitarian that he has received in the past and is receiving again? I’m sorry, but I can’t buy that. Not only because he refused the draft, but also because he was an integral part of an organization that was blatantly racist. Read any of their old newspapers that they distributed nationally in America and you will find that white people were referred to as “White Devils” as a matter of policy. Not just the Southern whites who did have unfair policies against blacks at the time, but rather, all white Americans.

I particularly resent the deification of Ali because in my opinion he was the prime motivator, if not creator of the black policy of laying as much guilt as possible on white Americans. A policy that stands to this day.

I am not trying to cast a shadow over his memory. I know that his family will miss him, I am simply attempting to appeal to the white people that are singing his praises to take a closer look at his legacy as it applies to White Americans and America in general and to get past the brain washing that we were all subjected to for over fifty years.

Posted in The Good, the Bad & the Ugly | Comments Off on “The Greatest” the Greatest?

Epiphany

Found after six days.

Found after six days.

Never go shopping with someone to whom you owe money. You will feel like shit. In order not to make you feel bad, the person to whom money is owed will say things like “Oh, I bought this only because it’s on sale.” Both will feel like shit. And if you are the one making purchases, your creditor will be wondering if you are using the money he lent you to buy stuff. Tough. Dipshits all.

Recognize free loaders in your life and avoid them. Had to spend over a thousand bucks for dinner with a client, who clearly took advantage. He ordered a bottle of 1998 Chateau de Beaucastel Chateauneuf-du-Pape (cost me an arm and a leg); I had half a glass, douche bag consumed the whole bottle, and didn’t even have the decency to buy coffee when we adjourned afterwards to another place for a postprandial coffee. Epic absence of EQ. Unfortunately he’s a client so I couldn’t ask him to go re-produce (fuck) himself. Honestly, such clients I can do without. Said client now joins “friends” of the same ilk already relegated to my persona non grata list. Douche bags all.

Celebrations are meaningless if you have a dysfunctional family. My family doesn’t place lots of emphasis on father’s day or mother’s day, etc. I’ve decided to mark special days only –  like when someone in the family turns 21 or is having a milestone birthday like turning 30 or 40, etc. Ours is a close-knit family and we are always there for each other. But I know of families who find the slightest excuse to gather and stuff their faces but what’s the point of getting the clan to celebrate every Hallmark card-created “special” days when many of these families are dysfunctional and members estranged? Such superficiality only serves to mock the concept of “family.” Morons all.

The Japanese couple who dumped their 7-year-old son in the bear-infested forest for being “naughty” triggering a massive manhunt lasting several days ought to be dumped in the forest themselves and left there permanently. If kids are not naughty, they must be retarded and we better be worried. When kids misbehave as kids will, always ask “Who brought them into this world?” They didn’t choose us as their parents. People who are not prepared for kids should use contraceptives. Mindless fuckers all.

Posted in The Good, the Bad & the Ugly | Comments Off on Epiphany

Late Delivery of Mail by SingPost

Does SingPost hire retards?

Does SingPost hire retards?

A batch of mail dated early April was delivered only in late May, resulting in my missing payment deadlines for some bills, leading to my having to pay penalty charges.

When I contacted SingPost, I received an email saying my feedback would be directed to the relevant department.

A “Customer Care Consultant” named Shalini Pateriya then emailed to say, (and I quote verbatim):

“Thank you for your email of 28 May 2016 regarding Ordinary Mail. We are sincerely apologies for the inconvenience caused to you. We regret to inform you that we have checked with the delivery department and they confirm that they are maintaining the record of ordinary mail. We also would like to inform you that team is monitoring the address, once the item is arrived to the destination post that we will make it delivered to your address.”

Needless to say, I am unable to understand a word of it.

“We are sincerely apologies” yeah?

Whatever!

Mail delivery is not rocket science, yet SingPost can fuck it up so badly.

Only in Singapore, only in this great, glorious country called Singapore.

Singapore, where a limping cripple, a terrorist, can escape from a prison fenced with barbed wire, and then swam to freedom in Malaysia, where a paper general and a wannabe comedian shouted at people and asked them to kee chiu (raise their hands) in response to his (rhetorical and idiotic) question: “Who thinks that Singapore would be around for five more years?” Well, that was back in 2011 and yes, sir, we are still around, thank you very much, who thinks you are a moron, kee chiu! Yes, only in this great, glorious country called Singapore, where another comedian whose day job was with a duty free store was asked to run the SMRT after she lost her job due to budget cuts, only in Singapore where another paper general who probably can’t even run a coffee stall was helicoptered in to replace her, only in Singapore where people die from outbreaks in hospitals and the health minister still keeps his multimillion-dollar job.

Ah, Singapore!

Where the concept of accountability has no meaning, where the real culprits are protected from paying the ultimate price for their cock-ups.

First world country indeed. Obviously delusions are infectious.

Very very infectious.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on Late Delivery of Mail by SingPost

Briar Cigar

A poor replica of Vauen’s Zeppelin:

Morgan

Posted in Thank You for Smoking | Comments Off on Briar Cigar

Brainless in the World’s Smartest Country

Harambe

Trust me to be your babysitter?

On May 29th somewhere in the world’s smartest country, a three-year-old boy fell into the gorilla enclosure at a zoo.

The 400-pound gorilla dragged the screaming boy around the enclosure, so zoo officials shot the animal dead.

Deadly force was deployed instead of tranquilizer darts as it would take too long for the drug to take effect; by then it would be too late.

The killing of the gorilla caused an outrage.

Some smart people from the world’s smartest country questioned why the gorilla had to be killed.

I would like to ask my own question of these smart people – “If it was your three-year-old in that enclosure, would you rather let your boy die so that the gorilla would live?”

Oh, the gorilla was a member of an endangered species?

Well, retards from the world’s smartest country will soon be endangered too if they continue to think with monkey brains.

Like I always say, good riddance to bad rubbish.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on Brainless in the World’s Smartest Country