Broken Pipe

Daniel Yeo, 1963-2017

A great friend and bro, Daniel Yeo, left us on 28th October.

Many make empty promises, but Daniel always delivered. Many are full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, but Daniel’s quiet composure was always a stabilizing factor. Many spout big talk, but Daniel’s actions spoke louder than words. Many promise to show up, but Daniel could always be counted on to make his appearance. Many fight for supremacy, but Daniel’s quiet strength never failed to draw others to him. Many brag about their acquisitions, but Daniel was never materialistic. Many will ask to be paid, but Daniel would give his precious belongings away. Many claim to be available to assist, but Daniel just rolled up his sleeves and contributed. Many pay lip service, but Daniel meant everything he said. Many are heartless, but Daniel was compassion personified. Many expect to be recognized, but Daniel chose to remain in the background. Many have issues with others, but Daniel was friendly to all. Many are crude and boorish, but Daniel was a gentleman. Many are crass, but Daniel exuded refinement. Many are into fads and trends, but Daniel stuck to the tried and tested. Many are freeloaders and gatecrashers, but Daniel never took advantage of anyone; he never took things for granted. Many want to know how much things cost, but Daniel knew the true value of what really matters in life.

Dan, you will be sorely missed. God took you home way too soon, but your gentle spirit, your quiet demeanor, your subtle sense of humor, your mischievous smile, the things you said, the wisdom you shared, your Latakia, your giant Ardors, your meerschaums, your Oom Pauls, have never left us and will never leave us.

When your heart of gold stopped, and when your hard-working hands rested, we grieved and we cried, we gnashed our teeth and we asked God why. Our sorrow hit us like a ton of bricks, and rendered us speechless, yet we are comforted that you now enjoy a well-earned eternal repose.

Rest well, bro. Rest well.

We will meet again.

And we will light up our pipes and smoke again, and exchange views about tobacco, and chat, and joke and fellowship, and people-watch, and laugh and be happy and cheerful again and again.

We will weep no more in the glorious knowledge that the emptiness caused by your departure and our parting are but temporary.

Posted in The Departed | Comments Off on Broken Pipe

What Drug is Thitinan Pongsudhirak high on?

Glaring from an ivory tower.

In The Straits Times, October 14th, Thitinan Pongsudhirak, Director, Institute of Security and International Studies at Chulalongkorn University, Thailand, claimed that “Myanmar’s moves against Rohingya a get-out campaign, not genocide.”

According to the United Nations Office on Genocide Prevention, the crime of genocide as contained in Article II of the Genocide Convention, is defined as any of the acts committed with intent to destroy, in whole or in part, a national, ethnical, racial or religious group, as such:

  • Killing members of the group;
  • Causing serious bodily or mental harm to members of the group;
  • Deliberately inflicting on the group conditions of life calculated to bring about its physical destruction in whole or in part.

By this definition, the Myanmese authorities – and certain sectors of the Myanmese population – are guilty of all of the above. The Rohingya Muslims have had to suffer a lack of official recognition by the Myanmese government and denied citizenship, despite history being able to trace Rohingya presence in Myanmar to the 8th century.

Since 1978, the Rohingyas have been tortured and killed and have had their dwellings burned and destroyed – heinous atrocities still committed today – while Nobel Peace Prize recipient Aung San Suu Kyi turns a blind eye and even claimed that the Rohingyas torched their own homes to attract world attention. Clearly Aung San Suu Kyi is more interested in protecting her own political career.

Pushed to a corner, the Rohingyas fought back, exacerbating the situation. Since August another 300 of their villages were razed to the ground.

Suu Kyi’s failure to condemn the military is not merely a matter of pragmatism, however. The party she leads was co-founded by a former commander-in-chief of the armed forces, and several of Suu Kyi’s closest advisors are ex-officers. For all of her opposition to the ruling junta, Suu Kyi remains a child of the military. Her father founded the Burmese Independence Army, the pre-cursor of the Myanmese armed forces today. In her first major political speech after returning to Myanmar in 1988, after having lived the good life abroad for nearly 30 years, Suu Kyi said publicly “Let me speak frankly. I feel strong attachment for the armed forces. Not only were they built by my father – as a child I was cared for by his soldiers.”

The UN has described the Rohingyas as one of the most persecuted minorities in the world. UN officials and Human Rights Watch have described Myanmar’s oppression of the Rohingyas as “a textbook example of ethnic cleansing.” The UN human rights envoy to Myanmar reported “the long history of discrimination and persecution against the Rohingya community… could amount to crimes against humanity.” Researchers from the International State Crime Initiative at Queen Mary University of London suggest that the Myanmar government is in the final stages of an organized process of genocide against the Rohingyas. Since August, more than 600,000 Rohingyas have been driven out of Myanmar, in what the UN says is the fastest displacement of a people since the Rwanda genocide.

Meanwhile Aung San Suu Kyi remains well-loved. History is on her side – her father was assassinated shortly before Myanmese independence from the British, and her graceful bearing has long made her a potent darling of the  bleeding hearts. She did not leave Myanmar (after her return in 1988) to be with her husband who was dying in England, saying that if she had left to see him, she would not be allowed to come back. Those besotted with her are saying that her action speaks a lot about her resolve to advance the cause of Myanmese democracy. Others are not so sure, accusing her of political greed, saying if she can be so cold-hearted as to let her husband die alone, what are a few Rohingyas to her? Several prominent people are calling for her Nobel Peace Prize to be revoked. Oxford University (where she was once a mediocre student) has already removed her photos. In the meantime, hundreds of thousands of Rohinyas continue to suffer indescribable horror and abuse.

In the face of such facts, how could Thitinan Pongsudhirak make an outrageous claim that the Rohingyas are not victims of genocide?

Noam Chomsky said that it is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and to expose lies.

Indeed, academics like Thitinan Pongsudhirak should utilize their supposed intellectual prowess to contribute solutions to world problems, not kiss the asses of those in power, or engage in games of semantics, playing with words, to make patently false claims to protect murderous regimes. The fact that Thitinan Pongsudhirak still has his cushy job at Chulalongkorn University, in a land where democracy has been hijacked by a shitface despot (another army head honcho) says a lot about him.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on What Drug is Thitinan Pongsudhirak high on?

October 24th Melbourne to Singapore Flight JQ7, Seats 2D & 2E

Children should not be allowed in business class. I was seated behind 2D and 2E – occupied by a toddler and her mum.

Fucking brat wailed for seven hours straight and retarded mum did nothing to pacify her.

Airlines should ban kids in business class.

Inconsiderate parents who insist on taking their little bastards along to business class should have those monsters sedated or have their vocal cords surgically removed before the flight.

Bitch, are you reading this?

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Wrong Guy Apologizing

The real culprits (SMRT group chief executive Desmond Kuek and SMRT Trains CEO Lee Ling Wee) had to gall to just looked on.

When a convicted (and crippled) terrorist escaped from a high-security prison, the public called for the head of the then Minister of Home Affairs to roll, but our prime minister came out to say something that we do not have such a culture. Yup, we’re not like the Japs, you know. We don’t bow and apologize and commit hara-kiri.

So, since we do not have a culture of public officials bowing in apology for their organization’s failings, it is therefore refreshing to see the SMRT chairman Seah Moon Ming, doing just that last week.

Seah’s desire to bear final accountability is laudable but most chairpersons of organizations do not run them. In the case of SMRT, it is its group chief executive Desmond Kuek who is responsible for day-to-day operations. Shouldn’t Kuek and Lee Ling Wee, (SMRT Trains CEO) be the ones to bow and apologize?

In any case, while apologies and bows are well and good, ultimately actions speak louder than words. The Transport Minister Khaw – who has a lot to say about all kinds of crap each time he runs a ministry – has said that flooding in the MRT tunnel in preventable; in that case, why weren’t steps taken prevent that in the first place? Instead, (may I put it you, Mr Minister) those at the driver’s wheel (no pun intended) including yourself, were asleep and derelict in their duties and now underlings who merely followed instructions from the top became the fall guys and have to suffer bonus cuts.

SMRT should move beyond cheap rhetorics into solid and actionable and measurable solutions. To start off, those running it at the top must have the requisite experience and skill sets. You can’t pluck any favored son and give him a job and say “Go run the MRT.” This is not your father’s company ok.

When I visited Russia I was impressed by its metro. The lavish Moscow metro system was built way back in 1935 while Stalin was in power. Today it is 339.1 km long and consists of 12 lines servicing 203 stations and transports about 10 million passengers daily.

Trains run more speedily than those we have here, there is free Wi-Fi, carriages are longer and frequency faster (minimal interval between trains is 90 seconds). The head of the Moscow Metro is Dmitry Pegov, who graduated as an electrical engineer, but did an MBA, and earned a law degree as well. He started his career as an assistant engineer of electric locomotive depot, then worked as a train driver and even became a driving instructor of locomotive crews, and was eventually promoted to head of the railcar depot Saint Petersburg-Moscow October railway and several other senior positions before being appointed to his present job in 2014.

I suspect if Russia had appointed a retired (paper) general with zero relevant experience and qualifications to run its metro, just so that retired generals will have a place to go to, it would be a different story.

Posted in Unforgiven | Comments Off on Wrong Guy Apologizing

A Long Moretti Morta

Marco Biagini is the consummate craftsman behind Moretti pipes:

He has just made me an extra long morta pipe. Morta is wood from trees that have been buried and fossilized in peat bogs.

No picture will do justice to any Moretti pipe; this lovely pipe is almost ten inches long, a real beauty:


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The Obsession Continues

With Moretti pipes being so beautiful it is impossible to wean oneself off them.

Here is my latest Moretti: a sandblasted lovat made with the arbutus briar. Pipes made from arbutus briar are great for smoking because they taste sweet. Finding such a big arbutus piece is rare and Marco Biagini has turned it into a lovely pipe, truly a collectible.

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Don’t Let the Wrong One In

For my first date with my wife, more than three decades ago, I took her to a fancy restaurant. Prior to our second date, she told me she would be quite happy eating at food courts. At that moment, I knew she was the girl I wanted to marry.

For people of my generation, there was no escape route; you get married, and if things go south, you work it out. Divorces were so rare they were reported in the newspapers.

I am therefore alarmed to hear many young people nowadays saying “Nehmind lah, if doesn’t work, can always divorce and marry again mah.” To me, that’s a fucked-up mindset to maintain. I even know of one retard who divorced and re-married the same women twice. Poor bastard clearly needs help.

I am no expert, but after having been happily married for over 30 years to the same wonderful woman, who continues to accept me and my increasingly cantankerous moods and shitloads of caustic, scathing and risqué remarks emanating from my mouth these days, I think I am entitled to some speaking rights about marriage. I hope this will benefit my friend’s son who seems frenetic wooing a girl, with no sign of the girl wooing him back. So here it goes, my two cents’ worth; Lohcifer’s Dirty Dozen to getting hitched:

  1. Dump the bitch who mindfucks you – yes, the cock-teaser who “tests” you and puts you through all kinds of exasperating horseshit. It’s a foretaste of more hell to come, so dump her. You’ll be sorry for not heeding this advice. No woman will agree, and bra-burning feminists will want to lynch me, but allow me to let you in on a little secret: all women are power-crazy, they love nothing more than to see you grovel or tremble like a piece of jelly in front of them; they enjoy seeing you eat out of their hands, like a dog or whimper like a hungry puppy when they make you crawl and suffer, so don’t fall victim to that nonsense unless you are a confirmed masochist.
  2. Your true love should accept you, warts and all, and will stand by you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. Now, that’s a tall order. That’s why marriage vows should be taken seriously. When you are broke or jobless, when you are confined to a wheelchair with one leg amputed and receive your sustenance through a tube in the nose, and shit your crap into bags and urinate through a catheter stuck in your urethra – will she still love you and care for you or will she be glued to the TV watching Korean soap operas?
  3. Does she give you space? I have a friend who cut off all ties with his friends, even his best friends from way back, because his wife wants him all for herself. She also intervenes in his choice of barbers and tailors. Is she so super special that a man is willing to descend to that level just to win that bitch’s hand in marriage? Doesn’t he possess any self-pride?
  4. Is she a helpmeet? Now, that’s a biblical term so check it out. Or does she expect to be pampered like a princess 24×7 who won’t lift a finger to do anything? I have a friend whose wife negotiates everything with him – you want to go out and smoke cigars with your friends, okay, I want that Hermès handbag; you want to go and attend a friend’s birthday party in London, okay pay for my vacation in Japan. He has to get “visas” from her before stepping out of the house. You get the idea. She also refuses to clean the toilets in their house. And she won’t step into the kitchen. When he’s hungry in the middle of the night, she snaps at him and tells him to drink water but when she’s hungry, he gets up to cook for her or drives out to buy food for her. Being her husband is worse than being a nurse in the ICU. I’m sure my friend is happier wiping the backsides of comatose patients, to be honest. Net net: Will she make you a better person? Will you both make each other better human beings?
  5. This girl whom you have the hots for now, can you imagine spending the rest of your life with her? Really? Think again. Remember, God has endowed you with brains, that’s the organ in your head, not that appendage between your legs.
  6. Does she relate well with your family members? Or does she think your dad is Jabba the Hut and your mum is mental and your sister is a whore?
  7. Love is indeed blind – now that you are so obsessed with her, you will not see her faults and flaws. But they are there, trust me, they are there. Just focus and visualize – would you still love her if she picks her nose in front of you, farts every half an hour, burps like a buffoon, and grow as fat as an elephant one day or get cancer and lose all her hair and half her nose and wears adult diapers? Ever smelled a soiled adult diaper?
  8. One key to maintaining and nurturing a marriage is open communications – are you prepared to have no secrets between you? Is she the type who will squirrel money away in her own private bank account to buy gifts for her ex?
  9. Will your friends be proud of her? Will you be ashamed to take her along to the office Christmas lunch, know what I mean? Are you worried what your bosses and colleagues will think of her? That they will scoff at your choice of a spouse. I know a guy whom we call Mr Perfectionist. He returns 90% of everything he purchases because he would find flaws in them. So we all expect his wife to be a Miss Universe type or at least a Miss Singapore type or at the very least, a Miss Yishun standard, but when he took along his wife to a party one day, all of us wept oceans of tears in sympathy for him. Sorry, I digressed. But that gives me an idea for another blog post another time.
  10. Look out for the basket cases – like those who make you pay the price for their past bad experiences. Some cunts will jerk you around and refuse to commit themselves to the relationship or whatever because they have had bad relationships in the past. Be wary of anyone dumping their emotional baggage onto you! Remember other people’s monkey doesn’t need to be yours. A wise monkey never monkeys around with other monkeys’ monkeys. Those bad experiences happened before you came into her life. So get your head screwed right and your perspective right too. You cannot afford to be a full-time psychiatrist to your spouse for the rest of your life.
  11. Love shouldn’t be full of agony and pain, so if the pleasure and joy is more than the anxiety and worry, please do yourself a favor and walk away. A man walking around looking like he’s constipated is not the face of a man in love, but that of a man who’s a victim of what he thinks is love. Love emancipates, it does not imprison.
  12. Finally remember, she’s not the only woman in the world, and that your time WILL come. It may come five, even ten years later, but it WILL come. Plus – and listen to this! – singleness is a GIFT and a BLESSING. Singleness doesn’t come with encumbrances and frees you to be your real you. Come on, if milk is so cheap, why buy a fucking cow?
Posted in Eat Drink Men Women | Comments Off on Don’t Let the Wrong One In

Wet It First?

A pompous self-declared “cigar king” once said he sometimes puts his cigars under the tap before smoking them to enhance their flavors and the overall smoking experience. One joker heard about it and actually picked up two 2008 Ramon Allones Small Club Coronas to try.

His sage advice: “In order to wet your cigar, you need to place it under a running tap and keep it there for 6 to 7 seconds. The wrapper acts as a repellent, preventing the water from getting into the filler.”

His concluded that the wet one delivers smoke that has a cooler feel. What the fuck! Of course lah, if you wet your cigars or even a stick of celery it’s gonna feel cooler than a dry one, unless you use hot water.

He also said “both cigars burn evenly at start, but the wet cigar starts burning unevenly after the first half. This could have been caused by the wrapper being more soaked on some parts.” Duh!

But he did say that “the wet one produces ample smoke, more than the dry one, that has a richer texture and a darker color” and flavor-wise, the wet one is “more robust and full.”

So if you are retarded or wealthy enough to try, be my guest.

As for me, the only thing that will wet my precious Behikes would be my own equally precious saliva.

What will all those deranged nutcases think of next? Shaft a cigar into a bodily orifice before smoking it?

Well, Bill Clinton may know a thing or two we don’t. Didn’t he do that with that fat cunt Monica Lewinsky?

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Moldy Cigars?

My box of La Gloria Cubana Inmensos in full bloom.

Without realizing it is plume, also called “bloom,” a cigar merchant dusted them off my box of vintage La Gloria Cubana Inmensos I had kept at his store. He thought my cigars had turned moldy.

I don’t blame him. Many people shrieked at the sight of plume, thinking that it is mold and dump the affected cigars into the trash can.

If a cigar merchant can’t distinguish between plume and mold, what more ordinary mortals.

Plume is basically solidified oil, which usually is a sign that your cigars are aging well. Mold is a sign that your cigars are in too humid an environment.

Plume appears as a white or off-white and sometimes, even grayish dust on the surface and may have a bit of a sparkle and seemingly luminescent glow. This occurs when the oils within a cigar come to the surface and crystallize. Unlike mold, plume is never green in color and tends to cover the entire body of the cigar. Mold usually appear as spots and sometimes round little circles embedded in each stick.

Some of my more enlightened friends, when they see cigars with plume at a cigar store, they will purchase the entire box without a moment’s hesitation.

I once got a few boxes free – was in a cigar lounge when the manager was about to throw them all away when he spotted plume and thought that it was mold. I attempted to argue with him that those were plume, not mold, but he insisted he knew better and was going to throw the boxes of rather well-aged Hoyo de Monterrey Double Coronas away. I told him if he really wanted to dump them, he might as well give them to me. He did, and even thanked me for helping him dispose of them. As a matter of fact, he even gave me two sticks of Cohiba Lanceros as an expression of his gratitude. It was my lucky day. Since then, it has been my daily prayer that super-smart people like him shows up every day in my life. (However, God seems to be hard of hearing.)

Anyway, if your cigars show a covering of crystalline powder, just brush off the powdery residue before smoking them. If they are moldy don’t trash them, give them as Christmas presents to the assholes in your life.

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Mario Grandi Pipes

The Mario Grandi line of pipes was created in 2006 by Italian pipe-maker Aldo Pierluigi as a sub-brand of his mainstay brand Mastro Beraldi.

Mario Grandis are very affordable yet of great quality.

Two recent purchases:

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