The Diner from Hell


Man enters a restaurant.

Wait staff: Table for one?

Man: Yes, thank you.

Sits at table he was directed to and orders.

Eats, pays and leaves.  End of story.

Woman enters a restaurant.

Wait staff: Table for one?

Woman: Can’t you see that I’m alone? (Scans the place evaluatively.) Do you have outdoor sitting as well? You do? Ok, let me look. (Surveys the place.) I’ll sit inside. No I don’t want this table, can I have that corner table, by the window? Oh, that’s reserved? But your restaurant’s empty! Ok, can I have that other table please?

Woman sits.

Wait staff: Would you like a drink to start?

Woman: Yes, room-temperature water please. (Sometimes it is chilled sparking mineral water, no ice, with a slice of lime.)

Wait staff: Here’s our menu.

Woman: What’s the soup of the day today?

Wait staff: Mushroom soup.

Woman: Is that cream of mushroom? Is that fresh cream? Or from a can?  What mushrooms are those? Wild forest mushrooms? How many kinds? What kind?

Woman continues to ask a thousand and one questions, and then orders a sandwich instead but not before instructing “Get your kitchen to replace the white bread with the multi-grain bread and please bring me some olive oil with a touch of balsamic vinegar.”

Woman is served her sandwich but not before the wait staff plus the kitchen staff took turns spitting into it.

Tada, dessert time.

Woman: That chocolate cake, do you use dark chocolate or what?

Wait staff: Yes, ma’am that’s our signature dessert – we only use Scharffen Berger’s finest dark chocolate.

Woman: Hmm, how many percent?

Wait staff: How many percent what ma’am?

Woman: (showing impatience and raising her voice) How many percent dark chocolate? Has it got at least a minimum content of 70% dark chocolate solids?

Wait staff: I’m not sure ma’am, I’m sorry. But it’s our signature dessert and it is very popular with our regulars. It’s really nice.

Woman wrinkles her nose in the air and orders a Darjeeling tea but not before insisting that it must be “first flush” Darjeeling.

She is being served a cup of tea that has been spat into by the wait staff and the kitchen staff.

Sometimes she would ask for fresh cream to go with her tea and would interrogate the wait staff on the origin of the fresh cream. She wants to know milk from what kind of cows have been used to produce the fresh cream.

Sometimes she would ask for honey to go with her tea and she would want to know what kind of bees produce the honey.

Why are some women so difficult?

It is embarrassing to eat with someone like this.

It can take me years to establish a relationship with a restaurant and all it takes is one cow like that to ruin it.

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