T9 Freudian Slips


I’m sure you’ve used the dictionary or T9, the “predictive” way of typing text on your cell phone when you send SMS messages. T9 tries to figure out what you intend to type based on the most common words that can be spelled using the numbers you’re pressing.

But of course, it sometimes makes mistakes – as when you’re trying to type an uncommon word. Indeed, most forms of artificial intelligence break down whenever they encounter behavior outside some fairly strict norms. Sometimes T9’s mistakes can be oddly literary – or even Freudian.

When you’re nursing a vicious hangover it can be easy to think that your mobile phone is having a bit of a laugh at your expense when “Smirnoff” appears as “poisoned”.

pint = shot
cider = cheer
home = good

I once messaged my neighbor asking “Will you be good tonight?”

“I am coming home” now becomes “I am coming good now”. Your wife messaged you to find out what you’re doing and you replied “I am coming good now.” Prepare to be clobbered.

barmaid = carnage (somehow appropriate…)

kiss = lips

“I’ve been dating this girl for three weeks; do you think it’s serious?”

“Dating” got mixed up with “eating”.

Once I meant to text my wife asking “Do you want to go out tonight?” but T9 decided to say “Do you want to in out tonight?” She messaged back: “Don’t be crude!” I retorted “Do you want to meet for a meal outside?” but it T9ed into “Do you want to meet for a neck outside?”

golf = hole

Just before going to a barbeque, Su-yin typed a SMS to Caitlin “Remember to get some coal for tonight”, sent it away merrily, only to find out that it has been T9ed into “Remember to get some cock for tonight”.

A horny friend typed a message to his girlfriend, expressing his desire to do something to her with his tongue and it came out as “Goofy, I can’t wait to kick your aunt tonight.”

“bad” instead of “ace” – quite the opposite
“ripped” instead of “pissed”

awake = cycle – “Hon, let me know if you’re cycle.” Hmm.

“missed” becomes “nipped” as in “I really nipped you.”

“jogging” becomes “logging” as in “I go logging every morning.”

“out” becomes “nut” – “Let’s eat nut” instead of “Let’s eat out.”

I have an Egyptian friend named Mike, once I typed Mike and it comes out Nile .

The meaning was not lost and it did elicit some laughs.

Arab = crab

godpa = infra as in “Godpa I’m sorry I’m such an ungrateful basket case” becomes “Infra, I’m poppy I’m such an ungrateful casket case.” Yeah, real nut case alright, this one.

My friend Ian Baxter used to work for IBM; type Ian and you get IBM, but no more, he’s with HP now.

Did you just say “Touché”?

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