Know When to Die

This post has been inspired by the recent death of a local billionaire property magnate. (No prizes for guessing who.)

Do not die when someone famous dies – your obit will be dwarfed by the huge condolence ads peppering the papers.

Do not die in the middle of the month – the best time to die is the beginning or the end of the month when people still have their salaries with them; this way the pek kim your family receives will be more.

Do not die during the Great Singapore Sale – people won’t give so much pek kim, they want to shop.

Do not die when there’s an impending wedding in family – some pantang brides/grooms to-be believe they should not go anywhere near hospitals, wakes, funerals, etc (not necessarily in that order though that’ usually the order which leads to someone lying in a box in the HDB void deck) or great misfortune will fall upon their marriage. (Don’t these retards know that marriage itself is a great misfortune, I mean, hey, isn’t marriage the number one cause of divorce?)

Do not die if you have not yet amassed a large enough coterie of ass-kissers among your acquaintances – it looks bad when no one places pages after pages of huge condolence ads in the papers lionizing you and declaring how much they are going to miss you. (In the meantime The Straits Times is laughing all the way to the bank. I’m sure their advertising department rejoices every time some big shot croaks.)

Do not die during the monsoon season – after all, in the end, the number of people who attends your funeral will be determined by the weather.

Do not die during the school holidays – when families are away from Singapore, very few people will visit your wake or go to your funeral.

Do not die when there’s a tsunami or some other natural calamities – people need to donate to charity.

Do not die during the finals of Singapore Idol – yes, there are retards who’ll set everything aside to watch and see who the winner is.

Do not die during the telecast of the Ren Ci fund raising show on TV – the same retards would rather watch phony monks and third-rate artistes performing vaudeville than to attend to you.

Do not die during a H1N1 outbreak – people will think you’ve died of it and will avoid visiting your wake.

Do not die during the durian season – some idiots will suspect that you’ve eaten durians and consumed alcohol at the same time (a supposedly deadly combination.)

Do not die during Chinese New Year – not only is it inauspicious, undertakers – ok, funeral directors – are going to rip your family off, if you can find any during this period. (Recently my aircon died on day one of Chinese New Year and I couldn’t get anyone to service it till day six.)

Do not die in a foreign land – transporting your body back will bankrupt your family, which defeats the purpose of your dying to begin with. (I’m assuming you are heavily insured.)

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