Letter by Andrew Choy on July 1: “I was in South Africa last month prior to the start of the current Fifa World Cup football tournament which the country is hosting. The joyful atmosphere in the streets was marred by the pestilential din made by a native trumpet, the vuvuzela. I was appalled by the inconsiderate, incessant blaring and I’m relieved it’s not found anywhere else.
“I hope Singapore will steer clear of this headache-inducing, eardrum-shattering, uncivil instrument and that the authorities will nip in the bud any bid to turn it into a trend. In short, ban it from all event venues here.”
Letter by David Choo on July 3: “Yes, ban ear-splitting vuvuzelas.
“Of late, there have been numerous complaints relating to noise pollution.
“Recently, there were reports that vuvuzelas, the South African trumpets made famous by the World Cup, will be introduced here soon.
“Do we need an additional tool to inflate the already intolerable noise level in our compact city?
“I recently heard an irritating noise, which sounded like a vuvuzela, from a neighbouring block in my estate. The blaring was disgusting and it prompted me to pen this letter.
“With its capacity to create a noise level of up to 120 decibels, and potentially cause harm to a person’s hearing, this horn should not be allowed to reach our shores.
“If vuvuzelas are allowed freely into Singapore, many HDB dwellers will have sleepless nights if some insomniacs start blowing their vuvuzelas.”
Letter by Memore Graymatters, visitor from Cape Town:
“I was in Singapore recently and left with many take-aways:
- This is a great country – civil servants receive world class salaries which enable them to come up with world class solutions, for example, when it rains roads become rivers and citizens are encouraged to use these rivers for recreational purposes.
- Mass rapid transit trains are packed like sardines and after years of denial the operator has come up with a very original solution – “We will add buses alongside these trains,” she declared, forgetting why trains are there in the first place. This from a CEO who was paid 1.67 million bucks last year. Peanuts I suppose, compared to how much some of the leaders here are paid. (Well, if you pay peanuts you get baboons.) I watched this woman on Singapore TV, but being African I could not make out what she was trying to say in her heavily-accented Singlish but I think here’s the gist of her message to commuters: “Nobody’s forcing you to take the MRT, if it’s packed, it’s up to you to decide if you want to board.” Brilliant, huh?
- Fat people who work in hospitals are being systematically eliminated from hospitals – bad examples for patients, you see – and will eventually be put completely out of sight by shipping them to Sumo wrestling stables in Japan. (Apparently Nazis exists outside Hitler’s Germany as well.)
- Cigarettes, cigars and pipe tobacco are being sold openly but smokers are being treated with disdain. Entire generations have grown up brainwashed into thinking that smokers are losers, that people will die just by being near smokers.
- Cars expel exhaust fumes – ban them! (That is, if we take the argument above to its logical conclusion.)
- A lot of jokers here are quite happy to kiss their brains goodbye and throw their woes to the government – as can be seen by the two letters above, published in The Straits Times. Tell an African you gonna ban his vuvuzela? Over my dead body! They’ll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands!
- Chinese funeral wakes are noisy affairs – I suggest Singapore ban them.
- Malay weddings are noisy too – ban them!
- Indian temples cause a racket – ban them!
- Some churches are causing concern due to one reason or other – ban them!
- Father-in-law a bloody nuisance? Ban fathers-in-law!
- Promiscuous sex can lead to all kinds of problems and I’m wondering why those Nazis running hospitals have yet to launch a mass penis-amputation campaign.
- Most people die in beds – ban them! (I mean beds.)
- Those wearing glasses have obviously neglected to take care of their eyes – these people should be eliminated from the surface of the earth too.
- Women wearing high heels cause a lot of noise – ban them! (I mean high heels.)
- Low-cut hipster jeans often reveal unsightly butt cracks and tiny G-strings (sometimes referred to as “pussy floss”) – ban them! They are an evil influence on the morality of the young.
- An obnoxious TV host was being accused of beating up a taxi driver – ban TV hosts and taxi drivers! (Peace at last?)
- I passed by one of the ugliest buildings in the world – looks like a spiky tropical fruit or a huge pair of housefly eyes – where a Chinese orchestra was playing – the joyful atmosphere in the streets was marred by the pestilential din made by these native musical instruments. I was appalled by the inconsiderate, incessant blaring and I suggest they be banned. If these instruments are allowed freely into my country, many Africans will have sleepless nights if some insomniacs start playing them.
“My trip to Singapore was most educational indeed. I have no doubt that this amazing country – where amoebae surrender what little brains they have to their government – will have a very bright and rosy future.”
NOTE: For those slow to catch on, Memore Graymatters is a figment of my imagination.