How I Intend to Start My Own Megachurch

Testing, testing.

First, cultivate a core group of “inner circle” co-conspirators.

Misled, misguided individuals who will stand by me come hell or high water.

Cleverly deploy social media to broadcast my public speaking prowess.

Promote myself relentlessly.

Designer suits a must.

Tweet incessantly.

Use Facebook big time.

Put videos on YouTube.

But first, fly in celebrity hairdressers and makeup artists.

Must look good on camera, right?

It’s all about image.

And branding.

Project star status.

Develop awe.

Start own content-rich website.

Offer free content.

Ai ya easy lah.

Just dump some free articles, Bible quotes, etc onto the site.

Or ask members to contribute.


Everyone has got something to say.

So invite contributions.

Give them a voice.

And recognition.

And as for those free stuff.

Those suckers will lap it up.

Every Singaporean hankers for free shit.

Download a free e-book.

A ringtone.

A song.

A wallpaper.

A screensaver.

Let them have it.

No problemo.

Spiritual weaklings all.

Very vulnerable morons.

Must also let people offer confessions online.

For an additional donation, their names will not be revealed.

But if they mess with me, I will reveal all.


For a bit more donation, I promise to “light a candle” online for each “virtual worshipper.”

How long you want the candle to stay lit?

Different duration, different price lah.

Of course I won’t say “price.”

I will say “suggested donation.”

And I promise to pray for their needs.

And I promise to send a prayer every day via SMS and email.

My “intercessors” will also cover them in prayers.

24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Ah! Must also start my own theological college.

Award myself a “doctorate” in theology.

Buy a “knighthood” from some con artist operating out of a PO Box.

Perhaps even a title of nobility!

I am now Sir Dr Reverend Lord Something!

Apostle of God Almighty.

Impressive like hell!

What a hoot.

If only Mandy can see me now.

Stupid bitch gave me the cold shoulder way back when.

If only she knew I could finance her showbiz career!

If only she knew back then that I could make her big one day!

For the brick and mortar church, I’ll hire a professional music and worship team.

All dressed in black, K-pop style.

They don’t even have to be Christians.

Music is the way to draw the youth in.

Use auditoriums.

Bus the suckers in.

Charter flights from neighboring countries too.

Why not?

Do some power-packed services.

Make people stand in line to get in.

But special private entrance for large donors.

Those who give large amounts will be seated in front.

Leather-covered pews with built-in massager.

Power-packed sermons.

Great music.

It’s all about emotion.

And energy!

Electrify the atmosphere!

Let’s give these suckers a rock concert!


Multimedia overload.

World-class sound system.

Remember to make it entertaining.

Let the people jump.

Let them scream.

Go pop!

Do rap even!

Must be in tune with what’s current, right?

All in the name of worship.

All in the name of God.

Work them up to a frenzy.

Always, always invoke the name of God.

Do the healing shit too.

Anoint people with oil.

The sick, the infirm, the weak.

Gently push them down.

Tell them they are being “slain by the spirit” and that healing will follow.

Soon, the desperate will beat a path to my door!

Speak in tongues even.

Soon they’ll recognize me as a man of God.

God’s very own representative.

The Holy One.

Suckers will tithe and funds will come in.

Register the church as a charity.

Enjoy tax exempt status.

Do some charity shit for show.

Throw some spare funds to the poor and needy.

Make sure the media is there to cover all that.

Impression management is paramount.

To maintain a tight grip on members, have a large network of cell groups.

Lead trips to Israel, the Holy Land.

Act like real expert on theology and church history.

Speak with authority.

If can’t convince them, confuse them!

Emphasize the importance of tithing.

Preach the prosperity gospel.

“The more you give for the extension of God’s kingdom, the more God will bless you.”

Tell followers it’s glorious to give.

Give ten bucks, God will multiply your blessings.

Get at least a hundred bucks back from God.

You not rich yet?

God has His own timing.

Or maybe your faith is weak.

Give more, give your all, show that your faith is strong!

Bring your cheque books to church.

Anyway, we have ATMs in church for your use!

Better still, I’ll convince worshippers to sign up for GIRO.

This way even if they’re not there on Sundays, their money’s in my bank.

Once they sign up for GIRO, I’ve got them by the balls.

This is a great business.

Preach, collect, but let God deliver all the promises.

Anything wrong?

Blame it on the worshippers.

Blame it on God.

Sure-win formula.

Buy up lots of huge properties.

Show the world our financial might.

Get written up in the press.

Get lots of attention.

Soon people will leave their staid, boring churches to flock to mine.

Those mainstream churches will start emptying.

Everyone wants to be part of something big.

Mine will be a “happening” church.

A place to see and to be seen.

Our church is dynamic.

Nah, scratch that.

Our church is dynamite.

Yours is dead.

Come every Sunday, get recharged, refreshed and entertained.

Come for easy Christianity.

At MY church.

Sure-win formula.


Exploit that!

Take advantage of that to the very maximum.

Go international.

Buy airtime on TV channels all over the world.

Build a cult-like following.

Pay ghostwriters to write books.

Pay famous authors to endorse my books.

Self publish.

Sell CDs of my sermons.

Sell DVDs of my sermons.

Book private jet.

Swap that Hyundai for a red Ferrari.

Buy freehold bungalow.

Champagne and caviar for breakfast every day.

It’s ok.

Live a little.

Our Lord is rich!

Worshippers will understand.

Worshippers will say “He is a man of God, and God is blessing him.”

“Unlike us, he is special, he is entitled.”

“After all, God is using him mightily.”

“Let’s give more, let’s give our all, God will bless us like He is blessing him.”

“CEOs have chauffeurs, fly first class, etc, surely a servant of God like him deserves no less.”

The people will make me God.

Yes, I am now God.

I am infallible.

I am invincible.

I am pastor of a megachurch.

“Surely he must be doing something right” they will say.

And they will come.

And I will prosper.

So lucrative!

Damn shiok man!

Until that knock on the door in the middle of the night.

Money is evil. Give it to me!

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