No Ma’am, I Don’t Want to Suck Anything

This shit looks good!

There is something about Chinese restaurants that makes me uncomfortable.

First of all, the staff usually stand around near your table to see you eat. I guess the idea is that they are standing by to render assistance if needed, but obviously they haven’t heard of the concept of the “invisible waiter” – good service staff whose presence is not intrusive and your personal space is not invaded. Worse, as they stand around, they chat among themselves, discussing their gynecological problems. Eating, like gynecological problems, are bodily functions, and I’m not comfortable having people standing around me staring at me eat.

Secondly, I’ve learned never to ask for recommendations – “everything is good” they will say. And they don’t even know how to name the dishes – I’ve been asked if I wanted to “suck fin” or if I would like the “bonus duck” (shark fin and boneless duck) and wait for this – I was once asked if I wanted to order the “pig intention” (intestine). Nope, zero intention to suck anything, ma’am. And I once said yes to the bonus duck, thinking that it was a duck dish given free as a bonus. Fuck, it cost me a bomb!

Thirdly, they don’t seem to know how to serve – food comes in the wrong order, soup comes before the hors d’oeuvres, the dishes arrive too fast, in rapid succession, staff doesn’t know how to serve from the left using their left arm and retrieve used plates and bowls from the right. They are all over the place, in close proximity to you physically, forcing you to smell their armpits.

Finally, even before you have finished eating, they are rushing you to order dessert. And they always recommend the most expensive item.

Without exception, this happens in almost every Chinese restaurant I’ve been to all over the world, even the really high-end award-winning ones.

Don’t they train these retards?

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