How a Pair of Balls were Lost in One Weekend

If you’ve been hiding away in a cozy cave, you simply must catch up on the latest twist in the tale of Mr. Rasputin! It appears he faced a most harrowing 24 hours, the kind that would make even the bravest politician tremble.

Heard of Yevgeny Viktorovich Prigozhin? Well, he was an ex-convict turned sausage hawker, and now the head of the Wagner Group, a motley band of bloodthirsty mercenaries – many recruited from prisons – used by Rasputin for his attacks on the Ukrainians. Well, just last Friday, this temerarious prick decided to challenge Rasputin’s authority by embarking on a daring march from Ukraine to Moscow, all in an attempt to stage a coup. Can you believe it?

But hold on tight, for the plot took an unexpected twist! Late on Saturday – just a day after – in a turn worthy of a captivating tale, Prigozhin suddenly changed his tune. It seemed he struck a deal, of all things, brokered by the Belarusian president, Alexander Lukashenko (who some might call a clown, but I’ll leave that for you to decide). And what was the deal, you ask? Well, it involved Prigozhin being whisked away into exile, under Lukashenko’s care. Oh, the intrigue!

Then, on Monday, Prigozhin declared, “We had no intention of overthrowing the existing regime, which, mind you, was lawfully elected. We’ve said it many times before!” Quite the surprising revelation, wouldn’t you agree? Bastard must have lost his balls overnight haha!

In a display of sheer audacity, Prigozhin went on to claim that if the Russian army had possessed the same training and morale as his Wagner warriors, the war in Ukraine, which commenced in February 2022, would have been resolved in a mere day. Yes, a single day! One fucking day! According to him, his forces gallantly traversed a whopping 780 kilometers, coming to a halt just 200 kilometers shy of Moscow. It was, in his words, a “masterclass” in how things should’ve unfolded in February, 2022. Remarkable!

Now, my dear reader, this entire spectacle bears a striking resemblance to a fantastically complex Dostoevsky novel, does it not? Prigozhin’s sudden change of heart is utterly perplexing, and one can’t help but wonder if Lukashenko’s role in all this is either greatly exaggerated or simply a figment of imagination.

But mark my words, there is more to this saga. By the time you lay your eyes upon these whimsical lines, Prigozhin – like many who opposed Rasputin – might find himself hurtling out of some window, losing more than just his balls (but his life), courtesy of the FSB, that is, The Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation, the successor to the diabolical KGB. Oh, the suspense!

So, my dear reader, buckle up and stay tuned for the next thrilling chapter in this ever-unfolding tale. Even the stupidest retard knows that no one who opposed Rasputin had gone unpunished. Suffice it for me to say “You ain’t seen nothing yet” for in the realm of Russian politics, truth is often stranger than fiction!

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