Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! Two restaurants actually pulled a dish resembling a cigar off their menus because the authorities decided – wait for it – that they breached Singapore’s tobacco control laws. Yes, you read that right. Some eagle-eyed retard complained, and the authorities, ever vigilant, sprang into action! The Health Sciences Authority, no less. They actually launched an investigation. Over a dish. A dish! It’s like they’ve got nothing better to do than fret about people confusing food with tobacco. What’s next, banning chocolate bars because they’re shaped like rectangles? Surely, anyone swallowing a rectangle is doomed to choke and die.
So, let’s talk about this deadly dish: a deep-fried “cigar” roll stuffed with snow crab, foie gras, black truffle, and prawn mousse, all for a cool S$28/-. A real public health menace, right? It even came served in an ashtray, with dipping sauce – how scandalous! The culinary mastermind behind this atrocity, Peach Blossoms’ executive chef Edward Chong, was so “struck by the beauty” of a cigar ad that he spent two months perfecting this edible masterpiece, complete with fake ash on the tip.
But wait, there’s more! Tasty Court was also caught red-handed, offering a similar dish. And under the Tobacco (Control of Advertisements and Sale) Act, anything that remotely resembles a tobacco product is strictly forbidden. Because, clearly, people are going to see this dish and immediately start lighting up cigars left and right. Both restaurants have now complied, and the world is once again safe from the horrors of cigar-shaped food.
I mean, seriously, what’s next? Are they going to ban chocolate cigars too? I used to get those at Christmas as a kid, and look, did I turned out to be a raving lunatic, drooling, incontinent, crapping in my pants while masturbating over a picture of Kamala Harris 24 hours a day, seven days a week?
This is just beyond absurd. Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. I can’t even think straight – I’m so angry I have a splitting headache and my heart is pounding like mad, and I might just keel over from some aneurysm or a heart attack. Because, obviously, glancing at a dish that vaguely resembles a cigar is enough to turn someone into a chain-smoking cancer patient. Makes perfect sense.
And as for cigar-inspired cuisine – oh, the horror – those have been a staple in Michelin-starred restaurants for ages. Now that the powers that be know that, are they going to shut those down too? Will the chefs be jailed, tortured, have their nails pulled out and then locked away for good?
Following this stellar logic, should we brace ourselves for a banana ban? Because, clearly, those phallic monstrosities are just ticking time bombs, poised to turn every man into a rapist and every woman into a nymphomaniac. Right?
Seriously, people, get a grip. Find something better to do with your time!
No, this is not Peach Blossom’s offending dish. This is another cigar-looking dish – a dessert – created by another chef.