A few of us from academia looked at the woman’s CV and couldn’t stop laughing for ten minutes.
She claims to have earned three doctorates – degrees not worth the papers they were printed on. Doesn’t she know that mentioning those credentials is like planning a time-bomb in her CV? Our investigation shows that her degrees are probably bought from some online diploma mill run by a guy named Bilal in his mom’s basement in Faisalabad. Yup, she’s another one of those shit-brained morons who’ve never attended a real university in their lives but proudly slapped “Doctor” in front of their names after buying certificates using PayPal. Oh, she claims to be a professor too – we checked and no one in the uni she mentioned has heard of her – she has never taught a semester, never published a single peer-reviewed paper; her academic career probably consisted entirely of watching YouTube lectures while sitting on the toilet, and of course she has been a recipient of some Global Women of Influence Award, after making another payment of course.
Do a search – using the search box at the top right – for my posts on LinkedIn.
I think LinkedIn has gotten so much worse.
If our Doctor, Doctor, Doctor thinks she has done well, it’s because nothing has gone wrong, yet. Doesn’t she realize that she is morally bankrupt and living in an alternate reality?
Then you’ve got the clowns who purchased “royal” titles from some back-alley sultanate run by scammers. Congratulations, Lord Douchebag of Bumfuckistan. Your fake coat of arms looks fantastic next to your selfie from that “exclusive” gluttony, face-stuffing event at Chaîne des Rôtisseurs.
LinkedIn is absolutely drowning in humblebrag diarrhea: people announcing how “humble” and “blessed” they are to breathe oxygen, attend a meeting, or just existing. Every post is pure performance art – meaningless promotions, ghostwritten “thought leadership” that screams “PLEASE LOOK AT ME, ME, ME” and networking that’s about as genuine as a Tinder profile.
It’s Instagram for people who wear business casual and think cheap sushi in Japan counts as cuisine. Same desperate clout-chasing, different filters: corporate jargon and humblebrag humblebrags instead of duck lips.
Bragging is not only encouraged here; it’s the entire business model. Spam enough posts (LinkedIn will even whore out its AI to write them for you, how generous), and congratulations – you’re a “Top Voice”!
The algorithm also loves “Excited to announce…” posts because nothing drives engagement like watching midwits furiously masturbate their own résumés in public.
Everyone’s polishing their profile until it’s so inflated it is so ludicrous. “Led a team that scaled revenue by 300%” (translation: I forwarded three emails). “Visionary leader” (translation: I showed up).
Then there’s the vulnerability porn: “What I learned from getting fired…blah, blah, blah.” Barf.
Yes, uncles, aunties, brothers, sisters, boys and girls – LinkedIn isn’t a professional network any longer. It’s a massive dick-swinging contest, and the dicks are out, oiled up, and twirling in fucking full swing. Oh yes, Sweet Baby Jesus – Dick Swinging in FULL, VEINY, DESPERATE, THROBBING Swing!
Signal-to-noise ratio? Dogshit.
Ghost jobs, AI sludge, and pathological liars everywhere.
Cold applying? Cute. Enjoy your 0.0003% success rate while real opportunities go to people who actually know someone.
The feed? Pure anxiety porn designed to make you feel like a loser for not announcing your promotion to “Senior Regional Paper-Pusher (Global).”
LinkedIn: where authenticity goes to die, and curated bullshit reigns supreme. Valuable if you treat it like the sleazy tool it is. A soul-crushing hellhole if you make the mistake of believing any of it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sign up for an online degree course in brain surgery.