No, Please No!

In early June, Singaporeans flocked to Sembawang to view a rare blooming of a large glorious flower of an exotic plant known as the elephant foot yam.

Within three days it was gone. Someone has cut the flower and stole it.

I was baffled; I wanted – no, NEEDED – to know why would people do something like that?

Indeed, what the fuck is wrong with these retards?

The following week, Singaporeans flocked to Hougang when news that a male Mandarin duck – such as the one above, and not native to Singapore – was spotted swimming in a canal.

In Chinese culture Mandarin ducks are symbols of blissful marriages.

When the beautiful duck was sighted, I prayed that the duck won’t turn into Confit de canard on someone’s dinner plate.

With Singaporeans, you can never tell.

The prick who cut this rare lovely flower away should be hunted down and have his prick cut off:

In the meantime, Singapore marine life enthusiasts are horrified over beach goers digging up sea creatures…

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Today – Published!

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Padang in Sleaze Central? No, Hell No!

Along Orchard Road is a seedy building reeking of semen; it is also known as Four Floors of Whores.

Word has it that you can even get a blowjob at the carpark.

In the basement of that building is a Nasi Padang stall.

Don’t believe any of the positive reviews you read on TripAdvisor.

If you believe that TripAdvisor is trustworthy, then you must be at the height of your naiveté.

The stall has a wide selection of dishes but are overpriced. Plus I suspect most dishes are loaded with monosodium glutamate. You will be thirsty for hours after eating there. And worse, the lady boss is very rude. She is assisted by a morbidly-obese son who is even ruder, has zero EQ and should NEVER be in a customer-facing business. In fact, this retarded fat lump of lard with shitty attitude should be put away, out of sight. Both mother and son have no qualms yelling at customers! Given the fact that there are few halal places in that building, there are chances of survival for this eatery, but mark my words, fat boy will be the downfall of this stall.

I wonder why people put up with this kind of horrid service from owners of eateries who seem to forget that it is their customers who provide them with a means to make a living. I mean, fat boy won’t be able to even find a job as a sideshow freak in a traveling circus.

Most of my friends have boycotted this eatery; they have banned it. Why pay good money to eat monosodium-loaded food and get abused? Paying customers are not beggars!

If you are a masochist, or are into grotesquerie, or get orgasmic by seeing walking dollops of grossly-fat fucks in motion, by all means go check it out.

Just don’t puke into your plates!

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Today – Last Trip with Heinz

Final farewell to my dear and much-missed friend Heinz.

Below are excerpts of a letter I received in April from his wife:

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Butter in your Java? Why Not?

Back in 1974, Shi Pong Hsu, now 85, bought over a kopitiam (“kopi” is Malay for coffee and “tiam” is Hokkien for shop) by the name of Heap Seng Leong at 10 North Bridge Rd #01-5109, Singapore 190010 and it looks as if the shop has not changed a bit ever since.

It’s a throwback to the days of my childhood and the offerings are simple; Shi serves the usual drinks, toast and half-boiled eggs being sold in kopitiams everywhere but Heap Seng Leong is probably the only place in Singapore still serving butter coffee.

If “Bulletproof Coffee” (butter, coffee and MCT – Medium-Chain Triglyceride – oil from coconut or palm kernel) is the power drink of Silicon Valley or the preferred drink of keto diet aficionados, then Singapore already has it from eons ago.

Old uncles tell me that butter in coffee oils their lungs and is especially good for smokers. I don’t know about that but I do relish the taste of such coffees. So, hit with nostalgia, I made a trip to Heap Seng Leong recently and had two cups of the cholesterol-loaded brew.

As you may know, what is termed local coffee Singapore-style is basically coffee with sugar and condensed milk and in this case, with a small slice of butter stirred in. Artery-clogging stuff, but at 64, I don’t care. Not planning to live till a hundred or anything like that, no sir. What’s the point of living till a hundred when all your friends have died and you have to defecate into diapers and drink your food through a tube in your nose, right?

Shi, a Hockchew who came from China when he was 12 is still at it – bent, skinny and dressed in the standard “uniform” of old time kopitiam proprietors – a white singlet and striped pajama pants.

His coffee is gooder than good and he is more famous than famous – he was even written up in The Wall Street Journal once.

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How to Ensure your Restaurant is Always Fully Booked

1. Rent a very small place – you can then publicize that your restaurant is cozy, intimate, exclusive and private. Most Singaporeans are “blur” (Singlish for “clueless”) and they will be impressed.

2. Hire an interior designer who specializes in designing restaurants. Day in and day out, talk incessantly to anyone and everyone about your renovation plans, but please don’t overdo it as it can cause eyerolls. Make sure your interior designer knows that you would like your eatery to be able to only seat no more than ten diners. Take special care with the lighting, and the sound system, and even the type of music being played in the background. If it’s a Japanese restaurant, play Japanese music, if Indian, Indian music, if Chinese, maybe Teresa Teng, not some Chinese funeral shit.

3. Purchase your goods from reliable, top-grade suppliers who only provide fresh premium and seasonal products – spargel (white asparagus) from Germany, Almas caviar from Iranian Beluga, Tokusan Matsusaka Ushi wagyu from Mie Prefecture, Alba White Truffle or Perigord Black Truffle, depending on the season, etc. Spare no effort to procure only the very best ingredients.

4. Have a doorman or two in full costume and regalia. For effect, it’s better you hire a Sikh or two to create the right image. Doesn’t matter what cuisine, Sikh doormen can’t go wrong. Not being racist here, just being realist.

5. Hire a maître d – a haughty ex-beauty contestant or a part-time model, a blonde with brains, is preferred. Best to be a linguist too, able to communicate in several different languages. Not being sexist here, just being realist.

6. You must also have a sommelier, and he better be an older gentleman, French preferred.

7. Provide your diners with valet service. For customers with chauffeurs, do hand a free drink or a snack to their chauffeurs. You want to appear magnanimous. (Virtue signaling is a worthy investment.)

8. Impose a dress code – no collarless shirts; long pants and covered shoes – not sandals please – a must; jacket recommended. Do not be afraid to turn away anyone not suitably dressed, even if it’s the prime minister’s wife or son (both notorious for walking around in slippers; madam even wore sandals to the White House, if you recall.) Your own staff’s uniform must reflect professionalism, so do engage a uniform designer to do the job. (Black tops and bottoms never fail to make the grade. The black look is trendy nowadays.) Be careful here: in this day and age, making comments about a woman’s skirt length or size of her body parts constitutes sexual harassment.

9. You need a full-time person to answer the phone to handle reservations and inquiries, a person whose friendliness can be felt over the phone and whose smile can be sensed over the phone but the standard reply must be “I’m afraid we are fully booked till October 2023, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll see if I can squeeze you in when we have a last-minute cancellation. By the way, you are aware that here, the minimum spend per person is $700 excluding beverages, would that be OK with you? And adults only please. Also, we do not allow anyone to take pictures of our food, so that they can focus on enjoying the full experience when they dine here. Sorry, I’m afraid there can be no exceptions. OK, sorry but I really need to go soon, Mr Li Ka-shing’s secretary is on the line now.” Train your call taker never to accept a reservation from a mainland Chinese. Most of those crude bastards come in exhibiting their armpit hair and with testicles sticking out of their shorts and bragging about wanting to buy your restaurant.

10. Your chef cannot be local – if yours is a Japanese restaurant, the chef must absolutely be a Japanese who can only speak broken English. Even if he is a fluent English speaker, he must pretend to not be able to speak English. Of course, if your restaurant is French, then a French chef, if Italian, then an Italian chef. Remember your chef, like your maître d, sommelier and waiters/waiters must be super friendly, courteous, well-trained, smile a lot, but know how to be non-intrusive and never overly talkative or friendly. They will NEVER drink with customers even if customers insist. Train them to say “no” in the nicest possible way. Distance creates respect and mystique.

11. Never be afraid to charge high prices – first, you need to not only cover your costs, you need to make a profit. You are not the Salvation Army or some charitable soup kitchen. And if you can’t make a decent profit, how are you ever going to buy an obscenely humongous house such as the one bought by Tik Tok CEO Chew Shou Zi for S$86 million or the one bought by Grab’s Anthony Tan for S$40 million or the one bought for S$36 million by chair seller Ian Ang? Secondly, people like to brag about how much they spend at top restaurants and high prices will attract those retards. Of course, your service and food must be super, there can be no compromising on quality and standards. Everything you do must be beyond reproach.

12. After about a year or so of operations, publish an expensive and thick coffee-table book featuring some favorite dishes served, pictures of famous and infamous customers who have dined at your restaurant and start attracting the attention of all those restaurant guides. No restaurant lasts forever; even Noma had to close, books leave a legacy.

13. Never cheapen your image by offering bloggers and “influencers” (translation: free-loaders who can’t write to save their lives) free meals. Not allowing diners to take photos of the food increases the aura exuded by your restaurant and will result in many people wanting to try your restaurant out.

14. Each time someone makes a reservation, ask if an event, milestone or occasion (birthday, anniversary, etc) is being celebrated and offer to arrange for champagne, roses or a cake, or even a special dance or singers or a small band at the table – at a heavy mark-up of course.

15. Avoid any overtures from the likes of Tripadvisor and the usual coterie of shameless food bloggers. You must be an absolute idiot to think that these clowns are objective and professional. Look, money can buy anything and everything and everyone has a price.

16. Most consumers do not know that they are being ripped off, so continue to charge extremely high prices at your small little eatery and let the word out that you are fully booked a year or two ahead. Be relentless about this.

17. At social events, when people introduce you as the owner of your restaurant, smile quietly and act modest and say, “We are just a very small eatery, nothing fancy lah” and hand them a couple of name cards, and quietly walk away. When I worked for IBM, whenever someone asked where I worked, I always say “Oh, I work for a small company called IBM” and the look on their faces is priceless.

18. If you know of special dates that are meaningful to your customers, make an effort to send them cards and well wishes – real cards please, not some e-card shit. Encourage them to book the entire restaurant to celebrate and charge really astronomical prices for that privilege.

19. Refresh your menu every six months or have seasonal menus and remind previous customers to return for yet another feast. “Oh, it’s now season of the hunt in Europe and we have just flown in some very plump pheasants, you must come and try” or “we’re bringing back the ritual of eating French ortolan buntings, you must come and try, you really have to. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”

20. Above all, treat your staff with respect and dignity – your restaurant is not the private club of your sons and their cronies. Staff must be trained to close during closing time – there are a variety of techniques and industry trade secrets they can use – and staff must be adequately compensated for working with you. Remember, they can always work somewhere else, somewhere authentically legit, not like this con game you are running.

One final tip before I end this disquisition: never get friends involved in your venture because friendship complicates things. The best relationships in any business venture are best confined to strictly transactional professional business relationships. I never do business with friends; you can sack non-performing staff, but it’s hard to sack friends.

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Olympigs

To me, the Olympics is a non-event.

It shouldn’t have happened, considering how incompetent the Japanese have been in dealing with the pandemic so far – there goes the myth of Japanese efficiency – but money, politics, pride and stubbornness got in the way, and so a half-assed Olympics is being dumped onto the world.

The only part of the Olympics I can truly relate to is the Canadian swimmer Maggie Mac Neil (above) who didn’t realize she won gold because she wasn’t wearing her glasses in the pool.

I was more interested in the non-sports stories.

One I found rather anger-provoking was the news that a Taiwanese TV host was attacked by Chinese netizens and lost sponsorship and endorsement deals because she referred to Taiwan’s Olympians as “national” competitors.

Fucking thin-skinned, them China Chinese don’t you think?

Many outside mainland China have found themselves targeted by Chinese state media and Internet users as Chinese emperor Xi Jinping encourages his minions to take on those seen as trying to split or weaken it.

Japanese actor Yuki Furukawa was similarly assailed online after asking his 4.5 million Weibo users whether they were watching the Olympics as Japan broke China’s 17-year gold-medal streak in mixed doubles table tennis.

“I asked at the wrong time. Should have been more careful of my words,” Furukawa – with his tail between his legs – said, after deleting the original post.

Another scrotum-less retard was US actor John Cena who in May was cowering like a frightened, weepy puppy after having incorrectly indicated that the island of Taiwan is a country in a promotional video for his film Fast & Furious 9.

Cena apologized to Chinese viewers through a clip posted on his Weibo account, saying he had made a mistake and he was very sorry about it.

“I must say that now, very importantly, I love and respect China and Chinese people,” Cena said in hardly-passable, laughable Mandarin in his video.

Pathetic ass-kisser.

I almost wanted to offer a pacifier for that loser to suckle. Might stop his whimpering.

The threat of losing market share in the world’s most populous country has prompted sports leagues, sellers of branded goods, airlines, multinationals, even makers of tobacco pipes, etc to behave like docile slaves before the Chinese and to correct perceived political slights.

But a word for the Chinese of China: for centuries in the past, you may have been bullied like rats and trampled on like cockroaches, but that doesn’t mean it’s now your turn to bully others.

Remember what goes up will and must eventually come down.

No one can be piggish forever.

If you claim to be the product of years of glorious civilization and rich culture, then act like it.

Unfortunately, I don’t see much evidence of that; what I suspect is that bacteria is probably the only culture some of you have, seeing that spitting seems to be a national pastime in China.

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A Place in My Heart

Lost Freight is a charming little coffee place operating out of a shipping container at Kunanyi, Tasmania. (”Kunanyi” is the traditional Palawa kani name for Mount Wellington.)

It is situated on the site of the grand Springs Hotel which was destroyed in the devastating 1967 bushfires of Tasmania.

Megan and Chris Spillane opened the wood-clad container café in 2017.

I enjoyed the coffee there. The youthful exuberant and jovial, friendly staff made me feel very much at home.

I felt cheerful each time I visited. My spirits were lifted each time I was there.

It is one of those places in my heart, a place I would love to visit again and again.

Some places tug at my heartstrings. Lost Freight Cafe is one such place. I’m awash with nostalgia and warm feelings when I think of this café. I’m reminded of good times, of friendship, of not being afraid to be myself in the presence of great friends who won’t judge me, of meaningful conversations about books and the state of the world, of intimate but not awkward moments of silence as soulmates basked in each other’s company, of fellowship, of long drives and scenic landscapes, of delicious home-cooked meals, of warmth, of fireplaces with crackling logs…

Ah, I must go back.

I have to.

A few more times before I die.

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Huh?

So that retarded racist bastard who was a senior lecturer at Ngee Ann Poly has been sacked!

This comes after a video posted in early June of him making racist remarks to an interracial couple in Orchard Road went viral online. This was followed by an Instagram post by NP alumna Nurul Fatimah Iskandar, who alleged that the same bastard made Islamophobic comments in a class in 2017.

In her Instagram post, Nurul Fatimah, now 22 and a student at the National University of Singapore, said she had reported the lecturer’s insensitive comments to NP at the time.

NP said it has been unable to locate any records of her feedback after searching its various feedback channels and checking with Nurul Fatimah on her NP mailbox archives.

“In our conversation with her, she indicated that she could not recall whether she had e-mailed her feedback on the incident or raised it during a post-course focus group discussion (FGD) in 2017,” it added. FGDs are typically held at the end of every semester to seek students’ feedback on courses and lecturers.

“Nonetheless, we are committed to preventing a similar incident from occurring again, and will ensure that students are made aware of the appropriate channels for them to provide feedback in a safe manner,” it said.

“We will also advise our staff on how to manage and report feedback that they may receive outside of these channels, as appropriate.”

So Nurul Fatimah, have or don’t have?! Don’t play play leh. Confirmed and double confirmed or not?

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Today – Where is Mr Umbrage Ng Yat Chung?

Yesterday, a 16-year-old student was arrested for the murder of a 13-year-old and an axe was seized.

Front page headline today.

Today’s Straits Times prominently features an ad for Axe Brand medicated oil, on the same page.

Where is their CEO Mr Umbrage Ng Yat Chung?

Malgorithm?

UPDATE: Axe Brand has since explained in a Facebook post today that the ad placement “was not intentional by [the] company but a very unfortunate coincidence.” It added that the ad was arranged and booked last December with The Straits Times. “Our company is in deep sympathy and grief with the victim’s family,” the brand said in a Facebook post.

Indeed, Axe Oil has nothing to apologize for. The problem lies with insensitive Straits Times editors who should have exercised discretion.

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